Thursday

I went to sleep at 6:30am on Thursday morning. This wasn’t good, since I had to be up at 7am so that I could get ready and leave for work at 8am. Predictably, as soon as my alarm went off, I hit the snooze button. After a couple more repetitions of this, I slept through the alarm and didn’t wake up until 8:30am. I was just at that stage of sleep that you feel awful waking up from.

So I called into work and told them I had a bug that I’d picked up from my nephew at Christmas. Then I went back to sleep until 4pm.

I woke up. A little while later I went out and got some food and cigarettes from the local shop. I lay under my covers on my sofa and looked at some internet sites. At 9pm, I got kung po duck and egg fried rice from the local Chinese takeaway. I picked a fork from the masses of dishes and cutlery in the sink, washed it in the bathroom and ate directly from the plastic containers.

Then I got back under my covers. I wrote a bit about my past and posted it on my blog.

It’s now 5:28am on Friday morning. I have to be in work for 8am today, which means I should be awake for 6 to leave at 7. I need to shower and shave. I should really wash my hair. The best option right now would be to stay awake, but I feel so tired now and it’s desperately tempting to call in sick again. I’ve already sabotaged my chances of progression at this job through my record of sickness, shabby appearance and general apathy. Why bother pretending? The worst that could happen is that I’ll lose my job. Things are going to end in disaster anyway, so why put myself through this? I’m so completely without energy even when I’ve had enough sleep.

I went to the doctor about this more than two weeks ago. Sure, Christmas has been in the middle of that, but this is destroying my life, such as it was, right now. I can’t cope with being like this any more. When the depression was milder, it was hard. At the moment it’s impossible. It was such a huge effort getting the energy and motivation together to seek out help for this. Overcoming my aversion to admitting that I need help was worse. And nothing has changed yet. When I allow myself to feel anything, all I feel is despair. When I don’t, I feel empty and numb. All problems seem completely insurmountable.

I’ve asked for help and nobody’s done anything at all. Where the fuck do I go from here? Somehow, I need to find the energy to follow up on the promise of an appointment with the CMHT’s counsellor. I should really go to work. (But is there really that much difference between missing one day and missing two?) I should probably respond to my friends messages. But it all takes so much effort.

So yeah, Thursday sucked.