Taking the Easy Way Out
February 2, 2007
It always pisses me off when people say that suicide is cowardly or that it’s taking the easy way out. If suicide was easy, I’d be dead by now. In the absence of terrible anguish or pressing need, living is easier than dying. I have almost twenty-five years experience in not dying. It’s become a habit that’s hard to break.
It takes effort to die and almost no effort to continue to live (although I’m not sure I’d call this life). Choosing to live is choosing to wait. There’s always another opportunity around the corner. For now I engage in the detail of research and planning. The first thing I do when prescribed a medication is check the available data on its LD50 and the effects of overdose.
My GP was worried about prescribing me temazepam while I was feeling suicidal, afraid I might take an overdose. I have ropes and know how to tie nooses. If I decide one night that the wait is over, it will be a matter of deciding on the method. A lack of suitable drugs isn’t going to stop me. I have a reasonable quantity of an SSRI that’s very unlikely to be lethal, but I also happen to have a herbal MAOI suppressant. The two in combination are much more likely to be lethal than either alone.
Prisoners die alone in locked cells, their shoelaces confiscated, guards observing them every hour. I might be crazy, but it’s insane to think you can stop someone who wants to die from achieving their aim. The fact that I’m still alive has nothing to do with lack of method or resources and everything to do with a lack of courage and concerns about the effects my death would have on others.
Even when I’m happy I think about suicide. I get the feeling that suicidal ideation is meant to be accompanied with distress and anxiety. For me, that’s not been the case for years. I like the thought that I can choose to hit exit. It’s comforting to know that I don’t have to put up with this shit forever if I don’t want to. My suicidal thoughts seem entirely rational to me. Not wanting to live is not the same as wanting to die.
So I take the easy way out for now. Sit back and draw another breath. And another. And another. Inaction is easy; I have almost twenty-five years experience in it. Death is hard, but when the time comes I’ll be ready.
Entry Filed under: Uncategorized. Tags: anxiety, depression, ranting, suicide.
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1.
Tom Dandy | February 2, 2007 at 8:17 am
That first paragraph has to be one of the best counterpoints ever offered against the “easy way out” theory, as I’ve just dubbed it. Next time someone brings up the point that suicide is “Taking the easy way out” I’ll be sure to bring up your side of the argument.
But then again, courage is a bit subjective, isn’t it? Some people can work as telemarketers but couldn’t get up on a stage in front of a crowd if their life depended on it. I, on the other hand, could stand on a stage in front of the world and feel completely at ease, but I break into tears thinking about calling people on the phone.
Perhaps suicide is the easy way out for those who take it, and the hard way for those who don’t.
Or perhaps it doesn’t matter.
-Tom Dandy
2.
experimental chimp | February 2, 2007 at 5:50 pm
I think it’s important to distinguish different types of suicide. The concerns of the military officer who is forced to take their cyanide pill (or, to take another example from WW2, civilian engineer with privileged information about radar systems who would kneel down in front of their attached military officer fully knowing that a bullet will be entering the back of their head) are clearly different to the concerns of the buddhist monk who immolates himself in protest, which are again different to the concerns of the terminal cancer victim who chooses euthanasia, and so on.
The above examples are all done for fairly rational reasons, patriotism in the good sense of the word; the upholding of ideals; an end to pain and the choice to take control of the inevitable death process to secure dignity. I think it’s important to set these apart from irrational suicides where the victim is clearly in a temporary altered mental state. Indeed, only in the last of these do I think that the use of the word victim is justified.
Irrational suicide, where the death is not sought out of volition, but out of extreme emotional disturbance and does not reflect the will of the person involved is probably worth fighting against. Almost all the anti-suicide resources are used to combat this one – the helplines are for people in distress, the pages you find that ask you to “please stop long enough to read this”, these are set up for people in distress.
For these people, suicide doesn’t take courage. They’re operating in a mental state where the word ‘courage’ doesn’t have much meaning. For that matter, the word ‘choice’ might not have much meaning either.
I’m also sure there are people who are born wanting to die, who don’t possess the innate fear of death and urge towards life that people usually have. I’m also sure these people are very rare and probably as likely to die through risk-seeking activities as through suicide.
For everyone else it’s a choice. The military officers and civilian engineers go through training drills to make the action automatic. Rational people who commit suicide often go through rehearsals for much the same reasons. Both have to work to gain the courage needed to go through with the act. There’s not really any good data on this, however. It’s difficult enough to distinguish ‘cries for help’ that go wrong, for example. It may be that the majority of suicides are of this type. Wikipedia tells us that “Suicide attempts are up to 20 times more frequent than completed suicides.”; since rational people are presumably much more likely to be effective in their attempts, this rather implies that a large proportion of suicides take place without the planning and detail that usually accompany rational suicides.
(And finally, fun random fact time – looking at the data on suicide rates and life expectancy, with the exception of the ex-soviet states, countries with long life expectancies also tend to have high suicide rates. I’m not sure what relevance this has, but it’s interesting nonetheless.)
3.
Tom Dandy | February 3, 2007 at 8:53 am
Easy
1. Capable of being accomplished or acquired with ease; posing no difficulty: an easy victory; an easy problem.
2. Requiring or exhibiting little effort or endeavor; undemanding: took the easy way out of her problems; wasn’t satisfied with easy answers.
3. Free from worry, anxiety, trouble, or pain: My mind was easy, knowing that I had done my best.
Hard –
1. Requiring great effort or endurance: a hard assignment.
2. Performed with or marked by great diligence or energy: a project that required years of hard work.
3. Difficult to resolve, accomplish, or finish: That was a hard question.
4. Difficult to endure: a hard life.
Yes, pointing out the different types of suicide is very important. Certainly military officers and civilian engineers who go through training can’t have their “outs” classified as “Easy” with all that preparation they had to do. And the pain that a monk inflicts upon himself may not be classified as “Easy” either.
Indeed, only the terminal cancer patient who chooses euthenasia might be able to attain the “Easy way out” label, and that’s if he had no family or friends to consider along with his choice.
Even a person who acts out in emotional outburst couldn’t have their suicide classified under the “Easy” tag. Indeed, they most likely long to end the pain, not their lives, which means that they must make a tough choice between two great evils – Pain vs. Death – and even then, there are no guarantees. Certainly, this isn’t an “Easy” choice. And the phrase “way out” specifies not just the death, but the actions leading up to the death (such as the choice of death).
So, which is really easier? Dying unintentionally, or dying intentionally?
In this case, it may all depend on destiny (or at least the concept of one’s possible future). If by not shooting oneself in the head, one instead dies by Bear mauling, then yes, it is quite possible shooting oneself was the easier way out, but that doesn’t mean it was the “Easy” way out. It just means it was easier.
Indeed, if you look at it simply, the only things that are truly “Easy” are breathing and blinking.
Being dead may be easy, but dying usually isn’t.
-Tom Dandy
easy. (n.d.). The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition. Retrieved February 02, 2007, from Dictionary.com website: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/easy
hard. (n.d.). The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition. Retrieved February 02, 2007, from Dictionary.com website: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/hard
4.
Rachael Black | February 4, 2007 at 8:52 pm
love your piece. you’ve articulated something which has been a personal consideration of mine since the age of 14.
5.
Cinthia | February 6, 2007 at 12:31 am
I agree, waiting is not too hard. It’s the preparation to plot the perfect suicide that is. One day I will get my hands on all the Darvon cocktail ingredients and when I do, it’ll be the happiest day of my life.
6.
cynthia | February 10, 2007 at 11:47 pm
i beleive life not for every one, ive had had so many bad times in my life i gave up n try the ease way out. ya say it easy but when time come we just dont know how to make it happen. anyway i dnt know what life hold but i pray the lord work merical before its to late.
7.
jefree | February 16, 2007 at 2:35 pm
good work what a great way to sum it up its the wait that makes it hard if we are satisfied with all we have done (or not) than whats the big deal we can no longer burden others only remembers and memories will last just hope it comes sooner than later to be or not to be
8.
K | February 25, 2007 at 5:41 am
I happened across this page by complete fluke… but i’m really glad I did. I find myself doing the same things you claim to do. When I get a new prescription I immediately try to find out the effects of overdose. I find that I spend most of my time planning and waiting… although i’m not really sure for what. Every time I hear about a suicide my first question is always “how?”. I actually spend the majority of my mental energy planning my own death. I have always hated it when people hear about suicides and immediately say “thats so cowardly”. I can only think about how much I envy them their courage. You summed up everything I have been feeling since I was ten in such an articulate and eloquent way. Thank you for your insight.
9.
Whitney | April 4, 2007 at 4:04 am
I don’t believe that people should take their own lives without deep and thoughtful reflection over a considerable period of time. It’s better to bur out than fade away. “If i walk in darkness without one ray of light let me trust the Lord, let me rely upon God.” Isaiah 50:10. Give me liberty or give me death. A permanent solution to a permanent problem. Call me selfish, call me a coward, tell me I’m going to hell, judge me still… at least i now know the truth. Perhaps to hear of my death will give you pain, but you soon will have the blessing of forgetting that such a creature ever existed. We all know that it’s a sick sad world run by an illusion a piece of fucking paper… money = materialism. Wish there was something real wish there was something true in this world for you.
10.
None | March 30, 2008 at 3:57 am
So true.
But in the end, it’s living that is too difficult for me.
E
11.
R Smith | September 19, 2008 at 11:31 pm
if you try to drown, empty your lungs of air first.
Less painful and quicker, nearly discovered by accident
12.
Lexi | October 27, 2008 at 5:36 am
I’m 42 and have contemplated suicide soooooooo many times throughout my entire life.
At 12 years old I took an entire bottle of aspirin, hoping to say goodbye to my crappy life. Then I started thinking of the toll my death would take on my grandparents, brother, sister, and cat, who was laying on my chest the entire time. Feeling guilty and “selfish,” I made myself vomit. Regrettably, no one ever found out about that suicide attempt at the time. In retrospect I wish they had so I could’ve received treatment for severe clinical depression.
Ten years ago I thought of another way to call it quits. I created a will, wrote my letters, and planned the entire thing. Regrettably, I didn’t have the courage to go through with it and called a crisis center instead.
I’m at the same point again now. Even though I’m on antidepressants I’ve lost my desire to live. All I think about is the mistakes I’ve made in my past, the time I’ve lost trying to get my head and life together, etc.
I spent this entire weekend reading books on “living int he present” rather than reliving the past. Quite frankly, they’re not helping much.
I really wish I knew of a way that was CERTAIN to work. My greatest fear is that whatever method I try won’t work and I’ll be somehow handicapped for the rest of my life.
I believe that committing suicide takes a lot of courage. As a person who has thought about suicide my entire life I can tell you that actually going through with it is very scary. Whoever says it’s the easy way out is crazy.
13.
duncan | May 3, 2009 at 3:50 pm
Can relate to most of the comments on here. I tried yet again to ‘end it all’ again four days ago. even researched which way i should slit my wrists in order to do the job properly… “don’t slice across, slice down the wrist’ really would have worked too if I hadn’t been found. Hurt like hell and blood everywhere, however it didn’t hurt as much as the pain of ‘failing’ yet again. As to being the easy way out ….well it would have been quick but certainly not easy ….you go through tremendous guilt thinking of the devestation you will leave behind but when you feel at your wits end then even these thoughts hard as they are to dismiss, pail into insignificance. EASY, I think not. not once have I ever looked on it as being the easy way out …..as previously mentioned the only things in life that are easy is blinking and breathing, but planning your own demise takes an awful amount of consience tugging.
14.
Jarid | June 1, 2009 at 12:38 am
Duncan, its wierd I came across this page right after your comment, but I had the same thing happen 3 years ago to the almost to the day..2 weeks actually but I went across(drunk, really depressed, the whole 9) well I have to look down everyday and trust me when I say EVERYDAY and see my life basically summed up in a little line on my wrist…I’ve been unable to reconnect with the people who knew before I told them and impossible to meet others. Living is hard, dying is hard it’s all about the person. But it’s hard to play the waiting game and Im not sure which person I am yet…Doubt I’ll ever be sure, my advice to anyone considering suicide, go with how you feel…born alone die alone, but you left your mark somewhere…..
15.
Barend | November 10, 2009 at 9:56 pm
Cinthia let me know whats in it and I can get it.