Answers to Search Queries 8

I’m a couple of weeks late with this, but I couldn’t let all these search queries go unanswered. So here’s the special bumper edition. With a special linguistic theme.

Pronunciation of dominatrix.

Say what you see. ‘Dom’ (to rhyme with “bomb”), in (to rhyme with “sin”), ‘a’ (as in ‘hay’), ‘trix’ (sounds like ‘tricks’). The -trix suffix just means female. An aviatrix is a female aviator. Cleopatra was a famous fellatrix (female fellator – she gave lots of blowjobs). So a dominatrix is just a female dominator. Presumably you could call a waitress a waitrix, which would sound cool, though I suspect that actually trying this would lead to spit in your burger.

Doctors word for depression on sick note.

Uh. ‘Depression’?

How do chimps sleep?

Badly.

Toothpaste collect build up on plug-hole.

Yeah. That’s what toothpaste does. May I suggest cleaning your sink?

First name basis appropriate with psychiatrist?

Ah, a question of etiquette. Just call me Chimpily Post. If you want something from them, call them ‘doctor’. It’ll stroke their ego. If you meet them at the golf course, then ‘Hey, Ian, how’s your drive?” would be more appropriate.

Where is the artery in my wrist?

It’s in your wrist. Or rather, they are. There’s two of them – the radial and the ulnar. They vary in presentation quite a lot (the radial splits into two, with one branch curling behind the thumb and the other going up into your palm, but the location of this split can be anywhere from the forearm to the thumb).

Stomach feels weird after drinking

Well, duh. You’ve just put a load of fuel into it. What you’re feeling is probably alcoholic gastritis, an inflammation of the stomach lining caused by alcohol irritating it. It should go away after a while. Don’t eat anything spicy in the meantime.

Can I see a CPN while waiting to see psychologist?

Can you? Yes. They don’t turn invisible. Will they let you? Your local community mental health team have better things to do than see mentally ill people. Or so it seems.

My parents know we are having sex.

Most parents aren’t completely stupid and tend to realise their children will have sex at some point in their lives. Make sure it’s not obvious enough that they have to take an interest and they’ll probably keep quiet about it. Don’t have loud sex in the next room, for example.

What does the term “you’re screwed” mean?

“Oh fuck, I didn’t know my parents were home! Now they know we’re having sex!”

“You’re screwed.”

How to apologise to my parents?

“Hey mum, dad? I’m sorry you overheard us having loud sex in the next room.”

I had sex with a mars bar.

If it wasn’t loud sex, your parents probably don’t know. Keep it that way. Introducing substances with high quantities of sugar to any orifice other than your mouth is a good way of getting a yeast infection, by the way, so don’t do it again.

Best way to get a sick note from doctor.

“Hello doctor. I had sex with a Mars bar and now have a terrible yeast infection – it’s so distracting that I can’t work properly. I was hoping you’d give me a sick note while it clears up.”

How do you use the phrase “burnt out” properly?

“All these freaks getting it on with confectionary have me feeling burnt out.”

Or, even:

“Man, I thought being a CPN would be easy, but I’m burnt out from seeing the crazies. Cup of tea?”

And now, my extra special three most disturbing questions of the month-and-a-half…

sleep with wasp in room

No! Gah! What the hell is wrong with you? Just no!

Human female having sex with chimp

I should be so lucky.

latex chimp face

There – a solution for all you sex-with-chimpanzees fetishists who keep finding my page with your hideous search-terms. Find a willing partner, purchase a latex chimp face and… well, at that point I don’t want to know. Hell, at that point I want to douse my brain with bleach, but that’s my hang-up, so you go have fun.