Question about self-injury, scars and relationships.
March 8, 2008
I keep writing this post and deleting it. So I’m going to boil it down to a question.
At the moment I spend all my time alone. Hopefully at some point in the future (given the right meds, therapy and enough control over my sleep patterns) this will change and I’ll start meeting people. Some of these people will probably be women that I’m attracted to and would like to pursue relationships with.
What impact is my history of mental illness and my large collection of very obviously self-inflicted scars going to have on this?
Thoughts anyone?
Entry Filed under: Uncategorized. Tags: mental illness, self-harm, self-injury.
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1.
Prester John | March 8, 2008 at 1:13 am
The obvious solution is to get with another cutter ;^/
Seriously though, I know even less about women than I do about decency in general. Seems pretty obvious you’d have to tell them. I’d think the sooner the better in case they can’t handle it, maybe then the fallout won’t be too bad. I wound up losing a girl, at least in part, because of my alcoholism, even though I’d been with her for about four years, two and a half of which I’d been sober. She said the prospect of my returning to active addiction was more than she could live with, or at least be married to. It may have just been an excuse but the result was the same. She was gone and I was devastated.
Peace.
2.
experimental chimp | March 8, 2008 at 4:31 am
Getting with another cutter sounds like a good idea. But I’m not planning to advertise the fact that I cut (or with any luck, used to cut), and I’d guess that most women who are in the same position aren’t going to advertise it either…
And yes, I’d have to tell them. I don’t get much choice about that, because I’ll presumably have to warn them before they see my arms.
3.
Prester John | March 8, 2008 at 4:53 am
Good luck with it. It’ll get easier when you start feeling better about things, especially yourself. Chicks can pick up on any type of insecurity. I don’t know how they do it. I’m sure you’ve noticed though. Damn they’re strange, horrible, wonderful creatures.
4.
Margaret | March 8, 2008 at 9:45 am
There is only one answer to your question. It all depends on how she feels about it, and you will not be able to predict that, so I suggest you do not waste ANY time worrying about it.
Be assured that with the right person, who loves you, and providing you’ve sorted yourself out (which you seem well on the way to doing) it will just be part of your history that she accepts with the rest of you. I expect she will have lots of baggage too – most people do, funnily enough, and will hope for the same acceptance from you. I suppose you could ask yourself the same question – what difference to you would it make if the person you loved had had a history of self harm, but talked about it, and understood why it happened, and was determined to lead a healthy life?
5.
Ian | March 8, 2008 at 11:15 am
I think that if a relationship with a person has advanced to the point where you see each other naked, there will be enough acceptance between the two of you so that she can handle it. And I don’t mean to imply that it necessarily takes a long time for a relationship to advance that far. When people are willing to get that exposed it requires acceptance, I think.
But yeah, I’m asking myself the same question. Last night I met a girl in a club. We couldn’t really talk because the music was so loud that my ears are still sort of numb today. But we danced and got sort of close in the process until the thought leaped to my mind: Would she dance with me if she knew how my thighs looked? I was quite sober, alcohol just doesn’t seem to have an effect on me sometimes. And shortly after we lost sight of each other in the swirling crowd.
6.
exactscience | March 8, 2008 at 1:00 pm
One of my first relationships was with a girl who was into, how to put this, blood sports? Self harm scars weren’t an issue with her.
A couple of more casual relationships met the topic with disinterest.
The last serious relationship met with a lengthier discussion. She was sad I’d done it- asked me not to do it again. I suppose it boils down to this if you’ve reconciled it, she probably can too and then you can just get on with all the other wonderful relationship BS. If you are still wearing new wounds its more difficult.
To pick up on what you said yesterday and all the stats say finding a girl with her own self harm experiences is prolly not too hard. But when it happens make sure it’s not based on mutual mentalism,those relationships are doomed.
7.
experimental chimp | March 8, 2008 at 6:09 pm
Margaret: Yeah, with the right person I’m sure it won’t be a problem. But that’s not my question. My question is about the difficulty of finding such a person. Any kind of chronic illness will present challenges in meeting and attracting people, but I think mental illness is more challenging overall. It’s easier to separate out the illness from the person when it’s obviously a physical condition. It’s not so easy when it’s something that affects your personality. I know there’s plenty of people with depression, both unipolar and bipolar, who struggle with the question of how much is them and how much is the disease. And it’s hard enough to make that distinction from the inside…
Ian: Thanks
exactscience: I think there’s a difference between the kinds of relationships people have when they’re young and the ones that happen as you get older. Things are less likely to be serious and less likely to be long term, so the importance of potentially worrying things like mental illness isn’t as great.
8.
Isabel | March 8, 2008 at 10:16 pm
I would have no qualms of dating someone with mental illness, even more so if they have battled to get better. Your scars are part of who you are and I should think anyone who sees you will for who you are not the marks you bare.
My friend always tells me we where made in pairs and there is someone out there who will be our soul mate – I have not found mine yet.
I hope he or she comes along soon because I am sick of being alone.
9.
adifferentvoice | March 9, 2008 at 6:10 pm
“My question is about the difficulty of finding such a person. Any kind of chronic illness will present challenges in meeting and attracting people, but I think mental illness is more challenging overall.”
Was this your original question? You make quite a big assumption in using the word “chronic” which I would question. Don’t you think there is any possibility that you might get better, that you might no longer be depressed? Ah, yes but it comes down to depression being an illness, not a state of mind. Your therapy may change your state of mind, but will it cure your illness, you ask? I hope you leave the door open to the possibility that it just might, it really might.
If you are depressed you might be less likely to make the effort to go out and meet people – true. But that was not your question.
IF you go and and meet people, I presume you will not be wearing a big sticker across your forehead saying “deeply depressed, history of self-harming, likes playing with drugs”. I presume you will, as most people do, present your best face, a face which, incidentally, those of us who’ve been reading this blog as long as we have could tell you all about. You cannot make someone attracted to you. It will just happen, almost despite yourself. Though it is most likely to happen when you are not watching…
10.
experimental chimp | March 9, 2008 at 7:12 pm
Isabel: Thanks, but I don’t really believe in soul mates, to be honest.
adifferentvoice: No, I won’t be advertising these things, but I’ll have to tell anyone who gets close to me about them at some point. So, even if it’s not on a sticker, it’s going to be an issue. And sooner rather than later, because I can’t exactly hide my scars.
11.
Cassandra | March 10, 2008 at 7:24 pm
I think it all depends on the person. I, too, struggle with similar thoughts and worries… because my scars are EVERYWHERE! I hate them, yet they seem to continue to grow overnight.
I not only worry about how this will effect intimate relationships, but also my future career. I’m an adult and I am covered in self-inflicted scars that most of society doesn’t have a clue how to understand. I feel left out, alone, and scared.
The people I have told so far have had mixed reactions. Many and most have run, others have just slowly backed away. My closest guy friend has still remained, but he hasn’t “seen anything yet” (he lives far away) and seems like he will stick it out with me. People just don’t understand and until they chose to accept it, I suppose they never will.
12.
patientanonymous | March 14, 2008 at 6:17 pm
Hi dear. Sorry I haven’t been by in so long. I sort of, kind of, blogged about this. It was more along the lines of having your scars visible and then I think in the comment section we strolled down the topic of your post.
I have been involved in relationships where my partners have seen my scars. For me, it is very simple: they either accept it and deal with it or they are not someone I can be with. Ditto with all the rest of my head shit.
That may seem rather “simple” or too straightforward an approach for you? I do not know.
In terms of being up front about it all, a lot of people feel differently about this one. I prefer to get it out in the open right away. I (note: I, as in me, personally) feel this is the best way because if you let it carry on, the person may feel misled, why didn’t you tell me, they may be shocked, everyone may develop feelings and then if the person can’t deal, people get hurt…
If the person knows sooner rather then later, they can make the choice. And if that choice is “no,” again, they are not right for me!
I don’t know if that helps you or not.
13.
experimental chimp | March 14, 2008 at 11:06 pm
Cassandra: A few of my friends know about my scars. I’ve got to the point where, when I don’t have any recent cuts, I can go out with them without wearing long sleeves. I don’t know if I’d ever really feel comfortable doing the same thing at work.
PA: My scars are getting to the point where they’re really bad, which is where some of this anxiety comes from, I guess. Thanks for commenting, though. Nice to see you ’round here again.
14.
sar | April 13, 2008 at 9:45 pm
hi, i cut to, and have a simular issue, n fact, im terrifieed to tell or show a guy the scars, its reallyhard to get into a reletionship..i think it jus takes time to find the ight person
15.
sar | April 13, 2008 at 9:47 pm
email me if u want ssgorbachev@gmail.com
16.
thruma | February 20, 2009 at 1:37 am
To start off, I get your question. That is to say I understand it. And with regards to the history of mental illness and relationships, well, it sort of depends on the person you are with. If they are willing to live with the lows to get the highs then it will happen. But a few things. The first is what led you to cut in the first place. I’m a cutter and I have difficulty with getting close to anybody anymore. and for the most part that is because most people see the scars and they just don’t understand the reason behind the scars. It may not be purely “mental illness” but just a difficulty in dealing with emotional responses. That’s the case for me. My difficulty has developed into a full blown Personality Disorder. Which is more or less like a conditioned response developed over time which has been around for so long that it feels, natural. And it isn’t. I’m at the point where I cannot trust my own mind anymore. And that’s when it really hurts.
So, I don’t know the answer. And from what I understand there’s been little research into that particular area from the Psychology perspective. And there should be. I’m discovering more and more people that are cutters. And they are younger than myself. This may indicate that the feeling of isolation that may be perceived by many is a growing phenomena in our society.
But to bring it back under the microscope, you will find someone. Just be open and honest. Rejection hurts for awhile. But Acceptance will make you forget that pain instantly.
I hope that helps.
17.
tickledcherry | April 22, 2009 at 7:34 pm
I’ve battled with this question for so long. I haven’t cut in years and never plan to cut ever again, but the scars are so hard to explain to people with no history or understanding of mental health issues. My most recent relationship was with somebody who had cut before, but it ended quite badly. He was carrying around so much baggage from his past that he couldn’t move forward with me. I told him everything when we first started dating, and I regret trusting him because of the similarities in our mental health histories.
While dating another cutter may seem like a sound plan, it’s important for her to have moved on from that tumultuous time in her past. If she’s still ashamed of herself, then chances are the communication and trust will be lacking in the relationship. If you do meet a great girl, take it slow and omit the painful details of your past until you feel a strong connection and have established a mutual commitment to each other. I know it’s hard to hold back on issues that have shaped you, but you have to build up a bond before tackling sensitive issues. Have patience and focus on improving yourself. If you’re in a good place, then the right girl will be drawn to your confidence and charisma. Don’t let your mental illness define you. I know it’s easier said than done, but if you can practice daily affirmations and establish healthy behaviors then the mental illness will eventually become a minor detail rather than a major characteristic.