When you’re on the bus and you start to feel like you Felt you have to stand up to those feelings and tell them to fuck off. You have to fight and get angry at yourself and tell yourself “I don’t do that anymore”. All of which, I think, you have been doing. And that’s the Thing… all of those times you say “No, that’s not me” it’s like that voice gets a little stronger. You can do this…

Dude… aren’t you, like, twenty minutes into your recovery? Are you sure you’re not at the point where Everything just seems like it’s Too Much even though, really, nothing has even happened yet? You’ve got to give this shit time, getting depressed in the early days of Treatment is common because, fuck, NOTHING IS HAPPENING and that really sucks because Treatment was SUPPOSED to do Something. It’s like, in the back of your brain somewhere, you were expecting the scars to fade away… as insane as that might sound out loud. There’s this overlap in treatment… where the pills aren’t doing anything Good, just the bad side effect crap, and the Sickness is doing all of its Bad symptom stuff and there We are saying What The Fuck?!? Of course you want to cut yourself… Nothing has happened yet which might even come close to turning that desire off. Same goes for getting depressed and even having suicidal fantasies. You’ve been on these pills for minutes and weeks, not the months it takes to see results. All that healthy shit you’re doing doesn’t offer immediate rewards either, everything you’re doing/not doing is about the You you want to be a year, two years, fifty years from now. And, dude, if you want to invite someone out for a drink, there are no rules saying you have to drink water. There are hundreds of non-alcoholic drinks and most places will serve them to you for FREE if you tell them you’re driving. At least they will over Here. And take your fucking kelp.

Maybe tomorrow will be a little better.