Thanks For All The Fish
In a week’s time I’ll have been writing this blog for two years. When I started, I’d reached the point where all my efforts to fix myself had failed and I simply couldn’t cope any more. So I cut myself, went to hospital, and then I started writing about it. It’s been a big part of my recovery. This blog became the place where I could put all the thoughts in my head. And with them written down I could start to make sense of them. I didn’t really expect anyone would want to read about me being depressed, but I was wrong and there’s been lots of people who’ve been kind enough to share their opinions on the things I’ve written and offer their support when I was going through bad times. Even when I felt like I was all alone, I wasn’t completely alone, and that helped, too.
It’s been a weird couple of years. Probably the most important two years of my life. In a way this blog’s the story of how I took back my life. Everything that comes after this is only possible because I went through all this. In one of my final therapy sessions my therapist asked me if I’d have my scars removed if there was some easy, cheap and safe treatment that would just get rid of them. I surprised myself by saying no. I’d been sure that they didn’t matter, that I didn’t feel proud or ashamed about them, but my scars are more important to me than I thought. So I don’t think I’d give up these two years either. They might not have been all that pretty to look at, but they’re a big part of who I am.
If you think I’m talking like I’m finishing up the blog, then you’re pretty much right. My mood is stable, my sleep patterns are normal and I’m working my way towards the kind of life I want to live, which means I’m working again. But it’s kind of obvious that I don’t have much more to say about living with bipolar disorder and recovering from mental illness. The things I want to write about now just don’t fit and I don’t need to be anywhere near as anonymous for them.
I’m not abandoning this place. It’s important to me. So nothing much is going to change, except that there won’t be regular posts any more. I might need to be anonymous again, and when I do I’ll be back for as long as I need to be. This isn’t going to happen right away – there’s some things to wrap up before I go – the infertility stuff and how well I cope with staying with my parents at Christmas, for example.
It’s kind of sad, but it feels like the right time to move on. I’ll be starting a new blog and I don’t have any problem with any of my regular readers following me (although I’d appreciate it if you could avoid mentioning this blog there and vice versa). You might be able to find it – if not send me an email.
Thank you so much, everyone.
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