Experimental Chimp

34 Comments Add your own

• 1. spd person-thingy  |  May 2, 2008 at 2:34 am

  Oh, was I supposed to comment? I guess so…I actually got here through another spd blog, and I have to say kudos to blogging about your struggles…I know I certainly couldn’t do it…and I didn’t know they made experimental chimps masquerading as humans. Have to check that out. ^_^

• 2. i never comment on sites  |  May 5, 2008 at 2:45 pm

  i think balance could have a larger role to play in this than most people think. you know, the whole yin yang malarkey. for every high there’s a low sort of thing.

  i guess the one of the few positive things to come from depression is that you know what it is. even when you might be feeling truly wish-i-was-dead terrible, you can judge whether it is or isn’t depression.

  complete apathy. which is ironic really. because suicide suggests a decision, a motive, a care.

  i would give the world to believe that everything will be ok. but maybe it’s the not knowing that keeps up fighting.

• 3. Amanda B  |  May 20, 2008 at 5:43 am

  OK, so I found this site by searching some symptoms I have been having lately and I was curious about yours as well. I am 26 as well and I have had migraines since I was 4 years old. I have been diagnosed as having bipolar disorder and I do not take medication for this. Lately I have been hearing constant sound, kind of like a radio playing or static and this noise seems to get louder when I am having a migraine. This usually happens 3-4 times a week. It’s driving me crazy and I have no idea what to do. I can’t sleep because I hear the noise all of the time, and when I do finally fall asleep I feel like I am being shaken awake by something. Am I losing it or what? Have you ever heard noises like this before?

• 4. experimental chimp  |  May 20, 2008 at 11:14 am

  Hi Amanda. I can’t tell you what’s going on with you. Hearing static could be caused by a number of different things and only a doctor is going to help you find out which. I sometimes get tinnitus, which is a high-pitched buzzing sound (particularly after being somewhere with loud music). I also sometimes hear music or distant voices in white noise (like the sound of a fan), which seems to be just one of those things and doesn’t really worry me.

  Hearing things can be a symptom of bipolar disorder, So if you’ve been diagnosed with bipolar, you may want to discuss treatment for that with your doctor.

• 5. Graham Jack  |  July 5, 2008 at 10:52 pm

  Hi. Like your blog. Im waiting to see a psych as Im pretty sure I have what you have. BPII. Had the speedy effects with SSRI’s and then total crashes. Been up and down for 10 years now. Have you never been on Lithium carb? Anyway, I commented. Good work. Keep it up as well as your chin man. Peace.

• 6. Naomi  |  July 13, 2008 at 12:28 pm

  Found you when I went looking for info on lithium. Which I was doing because of its mention in an article I found about oxytosin withdrawal (aka post-breakup suffering). I loved your exchange with that guy (not gonna bother going back to the page with his name on it) about non-prescription lithium — you’re smart, wise, funny and write well – so I checked out your About Me. Twenty six?? And then I read what you’ve been dealing with. Made my sheepish little exploration into the possibility of medicating my way out of an emotional paper bag seem, well, the way I just described it. I wonder if you are struggling because of who you are (increased sensitivity, intelligence, etc) or if it’s the other way around. My aunt was a diagnosed paranoid-schizophrenic and one of the most soulful, warm, intelligent, talented people I’ve ever known. And I know from my own experience that I only ever grow when I’m forced to by the unpleasant stuff that happens in my life. So, I consider my wrists slapped (and my wrists feel lucky) and am going back to practicing mindfulness and presence and gratitude and all that hard new stuff that is definitely helping but was starting to sound less fun than a pill.

• 7. experimental chimp  |  July 13, 2008 at 2:54 pm

  Naomi – Thank you.

  I wonder if you are struggling because of who you are (increased sensitivity, intelligence, etc) or if it’s the other way around.

  Ah, one of the big questions (it goes along with “Am I me, or am I the disease?”). And there’s no easy answer to either. I guess the experiences I’ve had have been shaped by living with bipolar disorder. And the ways that the bipolar disorder affects me and the specific problems it causes have been shaped by who I am – and this is the result of my genetics and experiences.

• 8. Naomi  |  July 14, 2008 at 7:15 am

  I’ve been doing a lot of work on the question of “who am I?” (until recently I took for granted that I knew and was comfortable with the answer). Seems like there are three levels. On the ground floor: the chemicals – situational (infatuation, PMS, fear) and chronic (luck o’ the draw)…then DING at the second floor we have two departments sharing floorspace: emotions and thoughts. They feed off each other’s stories and information and depending on what’s happening on level one, it’s an episode of The Office or the Great American Novel…Then up one floor and the answer is “I am..” with nothing after it. The Awareness that’s really who we are. I’m trying to get there but the construction noise and partying that’s always happening below this sanctuary of trickling water features, shamisens and cool breeze is so frustratingly distracting!

• 9. experimental chimp  |  July 14, 2008 at 2:08 pm

  You might find The Mind’s I by Douglas Hofstadter and Daniel C. Dennett interesting. It’s a collection of essays and commentaries collected by them on the mind, consciousness and the sense of self. It’s quite old now – it was published in 1981 – but as an introduction to the field it’s fascinating.

• 10. Naomi  |  July 16, 2008 at 11:03 pm

  Thanks! I shall check it out – And by the way, way to go with the guitar. Just try to avoid giving yourself a ganglion cyst like the one I gave myself being a big showoff doing bar chords.

• 11. Craig  |  July 26, 2008 at 5:34 am

  I have been having trouble getting restful sleep for a long time, and have found much improvement through many different positive thinking approaches. I read a lot on the subject and my most recent book by the Dalai Lama has been very helpful.
  Understanding Reality is a topic I am very interested in.

  I stumbled upon your blog looking for info on human givens. It looks like a bit of a racket, but the part about “Over Dreaming” made a lot of sense to me. So I figured for ten bucks I could check out the book:
  How to Lift Depression…Fast (Human Givens Approach)

  Can’t hurt, right?

• 12. experimental chimp  |  July 26, 2008 at 5:51 am

  Yeah. I don’t really have problems getting restful sleep. I have problems getting restful sleep while being awake for things I’m expected to be awake for – like work, going out with friends, going shopping for food, doctors appointments, etc.

  Oh – I removed your Amazon referrer id from your links. If I’m not making any money out of my blog, well, nobody else is either.

• 13. Point It Out  |  July 27, 2008 at 12:29 am

  I got here through a search, about Wasp Phobias

• 14. Mike  |  August 4, 2008 at 1:33 pm

  Just stumbled across the blog while searching for non-24 stuff. You really hit the nail on the head describing it. I at one time actually started a log, but stopped updating it for reasons unknown.

  http://spreadsheets.google.com/pub?key=pg3G0gXdMCy8uDeC7SH6oGw (1 indicates waking, 0 going to sleep. You can clearly see it shifting)

  Just wanted to throw a “hello” out, you’re not alone, haha.

  I’ve noticed I prefer to be awake at night, and the shift tends to slow when my schedule rolls around to being awake at night. I made in through 4 years in the Air Force by working nights as much as possible, and drinking almost constantly. That’s not sustainable though, I nearly killed myself (accidently, by overdrinking) many times. Lack of sleep, drunken haze, and the pressure of fixing airplanes for a living made for an interesting few years.

  I, too, would keep myself awake all night when I was young. I’d lie in bed wide awake, waiting for the morning and then go to school tired.

  Have you looked into possible correlations between non-24 and manic depression? Though I’ve never been diagnosed with Manic Depression (and admittedly don’t know all *that* much about it) I can relate relate to the episodes of mania and depression. My depression is never very deep, I’ve never contemplated suicide even when things are at their worst. Mostly, I’ll go through a few weeks of intense motivation and passion, and then *poof* lose all interest in pursuing much of anything. That will last days or weeks and then I’m back to trying to conquer the world.

  Well, in any event, my solution is to move to Texas where land is cheap, work a menial job doing web development part time for someone while I educate myself via all the awesome open courseware out there from the great universities. I’m done trying to fight this. I’m me… I’m fucked up in a lot of ways, and I don’t fit into a normal society. Fuck it, I guess that’s better than being like everyone else.

• 15. Sylvie  |  August 6, 2008 at 8:20 pm

  Hi there,

  I was so happy to read your discussions about Human Givens. I’ve spent a LOT of money on HG therapists and workshops and therapists. It ended with a suicide attempt when I lost all hope (I mean they are supposed to fix EVERYONE and EVERYTHING). I crawled out of my hole with the aid of antidepressants (yeuch!) and a few kind people (rare enough folk). Now, I’m off on a buddhist retreat to Plum Village in France for 3 months. http://www.plumvillage.org. I’m looking forward to finding some peace and simplicity. Take care, Sylvie

• 16. experimental chimp  |  August 7, 2008 at 4:33 am

  Thanks Mike and Sylvie.

• 17. David  |  August 8, 2008 at 2:45 pm

  Excuse me – I was looking for a name and got here by accident… Like coming in off a rather boring street to a brightly decorated room full of things to look at and try to understand.Very interesting on HG which I have used and found helpful, but its good to have ones opinions challenged. I don’t usually blog – sorry if this is a bit rubbishy as a response. Thank you for having me anyway – I hope you find your way to recovering, though ‘recovery’ seems to be living with, not without and so not the right word to use. You are a sparky guy. All the best – David

• 18. experimental chimp  |  August 8, 2008 at 4:39 pm

  Thanks David. The HG stuff actually went on for a while. After exchanging some emails with a couple of HG therapists, I came to the conclusion that HG doesn’t do PR very well and the organisation is micromanaged to the point of absurdity. But most of the people involved do have their hearts in the right place.

  Recovery is coming along nicely, thanks.

• 19. Lorraine Judge  |  September 9, 2008 at 2:25 pm

  Hiya just read the book manic and was looking for a web page to say how wonderful i thought it was that someone had the balls to sit down and write about this stuff. Then i stumbled on this blog and when i finished reading it i thought oh was it really that good or was it a bit glamourised. I’m a bi-polar sufferer or is it always suffering i don’t think so, but mine is type 2 so when i hear these horror stories about the illness i think it’s the type 2 that makes me different. But that’s not the case i like you and all of us have our own stories and mine are ever changing sometimes i feel i just want to prove to the world that i’m normal, usually that turns out a bad day, othertimes i think i’m special and unbelievably articulate and talented, the undiscovered genius and other days i spend with my head firmly planted so far up where the sun doesn’t shine

• 20. Hannah  |  September 19, 2008 at 11:25 pm

  Hi James

  I struggle to with the dreaded Depression, its difficult at times but i find if you can at least one good confiding relationship or at least someone you can talk honestly with, it helps, I have found some things work for me and on that note i will do a post on my blog. http://www.beinghannah.com .

• 21. Pole to Polar: The Secret Life of a Manic Depressive  |  October 16, 2008 at 2:32 am

  WOOF

• 22. experimental chimp  |  October 16, 2008 at 2:36 am

  MEOW?

• 23. Chouette  |  October 24, 2008 at 8:46 pm

  Twit-twoo

• 24. H-Bomb  |  October 28, 2008 at 5:55 pm

  Alo! I just discovered your blog! To that I give a great hizzah! I was only recently diagnosed with bipolar II after a long battle with self harm and an overall hate for myself. I to am on Lamictal and am almost to 200mg (yay!….?). I’ve been writing about the whole experience and it’s helped immensely. I too would like to remove the stigma that’s attached to bipolar and prove to people that I am a person first, not just an illness. I’m incredibly open about it because I don’t think it should be a shameful thing. I’m trying to recovery and live my life so what’s there to hide?

  I think it’s fantacular (yes that is a made up word) that other people are peeking out from behind the bipolar curtain and saying “Yo, just cause things aren’t firing right in my brain doesn’t make me nuts, it makes me different. So ha.” and it’s quite nice to know that I’m not alone.

  So three cheers for trying! woo woo!

• 25. dahlia  |  November 24, 2008 at 10:46 pm

  hello

• 26. lingeringmemory  |  January 2, 2009 at 8:01 am

  I might have commented a while ago. I don’t know… it was probably over something I thought was important… when I thought I knew alot. Someone, with good intentions, recommended I look at your posts. To show me that someone got better. This is awkward.

  Anyway, thank you.

• 27. A person having a serious 'light bulb' moment  |  February 10, 2009 at 11:20 am

  I recently stumbled upon a sleep disorder site with a page about non-24. I had a HOLY SHIT moment and everything just sort of ‘clicked’. It describes my sleeping struggles exactly! Most of the blogs/journals I’ve found that talk about it are written by people in Europe, so I hope I’m able to find someone here in the US who can help. I am actually excited that I found a NAME for this problem I’ve been dealing with for so long. It never occurred to me that it was a disorder–perhaps because I felt ashamed and have spent so much time feeling guilty over it (as a mom with 2 young kiddos I want to 100% for them) that I never considered it could be a REAL issue. But tonight I feel relief and hope. I know it’s a rare condition for sighted people to have but I would bet a million dollars I’m one of them. I’ve never read anything that so perfectly describes my situation. And then I found your blog which gave me more hope because it seems that you’re managing it with some success. Thank you for openly writing about the challenges you’ve been facing everyday!!

• 28. Trine Malene  |  April 14, 2009 at 10:11 pm

  Hey!
  I’m a 17 year old girl from Norway and I’ve been diagnosed with non-24-hour sleep-wake syndrome, and I probably have bipolar too, but this isn’t diagnosed yet.
  I found your blog when I seached for my sleeping disorder on google. It seems like no one else in the world has it and no one believes it when I tell them. I’m trying to think it’s not that serious, but I’ve dropped out of three schools and I’m currently doing nothing and have no plans for the future… Have been on Prozac, melatonin and some other things to make me tired that didn’t work either. Prozac was a nightmare.

  I’ve no idea what to do really… Do you have any tips? Have you been able to keep up with normal life at all?
  I’ll read the rest of your blog posts now. I just felt like writing this comment right away.
  I’ve no idea what to do with my life…

• 29. Amber A  |  April 25, 2009 at 1:53 am

  I’m currently in treatment for bipolar disorder and I have problems sleeping. Here recently I’ve been feeling like I’m on a downhill slide and I was doing well. It feels like I’m having a breakdown of some sort and I’m thinking of going to a clinic to get some help. I’ve been keeping up with you and I’m proud of how far you’ve come. Keep it up.
  Amber

• 30. Quietly psychotic  |  May 27, 2009 at 11:19 am

  Experimental chimp… ambiguous at least 2 ways. A chimp for experimenting upon, or one with a penchant for investigating the nature of phenomena through trial and error with a suitable epistemological strategy? After reading your excellent (and often hilarious) responses to the HG incident, I would speculate that you are the latter. Excellent work dear boy – A+

• 31. Inchoatus Inchoare  |  September 19, 2009 at 10:42 pm

  Hiya. I just found your blog, have read a few posts–plan on reading it from start to current.

  Dunno if I’m bipolar, or what-all is wrong with me, only that there *is* something wrong, and so far, simply finding a shrink (that’s both nearby and who’ll accept my insurance) is like climbing Mt Everest. Some days, it feels like I’ll never be able to find help, or get better. Like eventually my brain’ll tear itself apart. But it helps to know there are other people out there that have issues. Even if they turn out to have different issues than . . . whatever it is I’ve got.

  Which is all just my clumsy way of saying . . . “hi, I think you rock, and I hope you’re doing okay.”

• 32. David of Sweden  |  September 19, 2009 at 10:42 pm

  Hello there.

  I just wanted to say that I think you’re awesome. I wish I had people like you in my piece of crap, frozen dog shit dildo bottomless pit fuck-town. I mean, you may be mentally unstable or whatever, but at least you have a personality. A soul.

  Unlike the sqaure motherfuckers who inhabit my town, and will do so for the rest of their lives. I hope they get testicular cancer, the lot of them, because at least then I know that their wretched spawn will never walk the earth.

  But you… you’re real. They’re not.

  Thanks for existing. And hey, if you feel like it, send me an e-mail or something. I will be most over-joyed.

  David Wetter.

• 33. CB  |  October 17, 2009 at 1:51 am

  Hi. Found you googling “suicide hypothermia.” A bit at my breaking point; reading about your journey helps. thanks.

• 34. Stephanie  |  November 11, 2009 at 6:36 pm

  At this moment I am writing a research paper on bipolar disorder for psychology class. I found you because I typed “hypomania quentin tarantino” into google. I really wanted to know if he had hypomania. It seems like people who are in a consistant state of hypomania have great energy, little social inhibition, and are great visionaries. Which wittingly leads to their success, right? Personally, I would not mind remaining in this state.

Trackback this post  |  Subscribe to the comments via RSS Feed