The Sleep Disorder Vanishes

This is just ridiculous. It’s 11pm and I’m getting tired. I’ll be going to bed after I finish writing this. Nine days ago, it was 11pm and I was getting tired. In between I’ve skipped my melatonin twice – once because I went out drinking for a friend’s birthday and yesterday because I wanted to watch the US election results as they happened. It’s been a crazy busy week. Last Wednesday I did my usual volunteer thing. On Thursday I was at the city archives learning how to do archive searches for people in the cemetery. Saturday was the birthday thing, followed by lunch and the journey home. Monday was more archive stuff. Tuesday I ended up going to the dental hospital because I was able to move my appointment forward (the actual surgey will be taking place in a month). Today I did my usual volunteering. Tomorrow I have a GP appointment and yet more archive stuff. Friday seems to be free.

And despite all of this, my sleep patterns remain stable. I’ve been able to manage the occasional mis-step (I made myself get up at a reasonable time today, despite not getting to bed until after Obama’s victory speech, which was about 5am GMT). Three things to wake up for in a row would have made me feel awful. There’s been a whole week of these things and I’m feeling fine. It’s just ridiculous.

2mg melatonin every night at 8pm and my sleep problems completely disappear. I’m sleeping like a normal person. The only side-effect I’ve noticed is a mild headache if I stay up late after taking my pill. And maybe that’s just how tiredness should feel.

I’m a what now?

We think http://experimentalchimp.wordpress.com is written by a woman.

Glass Sleeper

Day two of the melatonin. Took it at 8 as scheduled. It’s 11 and I should be going to bed soon. I feel sleepy but not exhausted. The Seroquel, the temazepam, they made me feel drugged up. This doesn’t feel like a drug at all. It’s way too early to tell if this is going to work, but ladies and gentlemen, we may have found a winner.

I haven’t felt like this in years. Tired without being tired out. It has to be more than a decade. It’s the kind of thing you don’t realise you’re missing. Then again I don’t catch onto these things quickly – it was a year before I realised that three-and-a-half hours a night wasn’t normal and the realisation was a big part of my spiral down into depression.

I don’t know if I like feeling this way. In some ways I enjoyed my sleep problems. Swapping the crystal clarity of sleeplessness for this fuzzed-out warmth? I’ve been scared for the last couple of years that maybe I was the cause of my sleep problems, that I wasn’t going to sleep because I liked the way it felt and didn’t want to sleep normally. But I think it was both – I kind of liked it, but couldn’t really do it any other way. The drugs I tried didn’t work, but I didn’t really want them to.

I guess the word I’m looking for is ambivalent. I relied on sleep-deprivation as self-medication for the longest time. I keep telling people that sleep-deprivation is like speed and then explaining that I’ve never actually taken speed. Sleep-deprivation never made me feel tired. I’d be exhuasted and I’d ache all over, but once I’d properly woken up I couldn’t get back to sleep for another 18 hours or so. It’s addictive. And it treated my depression. Maybe it only had this effect because I’m bipolar and it induced just enough hypomania to even things out a bit.

So why wouldn’t I use it as a coping mechanism? And therapy taught me that we don’t just discard our coping mechanisms when they’re not useful any more. Why wouldn’t I want to sleep like a normal person? But then normal people don’t cut themselves to feel better and I did that, so maybe I shouldn’t look for rational explanations for it.

I’m going to have to learn how to sleep again. I really think the melatonin is going to work and even though I’m happy about that and it should make my life a whole lot easier, there’s a hint of sadness there too. I’m not my sleep patterns, but it’s sure felt like it at times. And now I have to be just like everyone else?

It’s like when I started taking the lamotrigine and realised that it was making me better. It’s a lot of responsibility to take. It’s not just that I’m responsible for making sensible sleep choices now that I can actually do that, it’s also that I’m responsible for making the most of the way those choices affect my life. I’ve always claimed that the lack of sleep patterns was holding me back – if I don’t use the new sleep pattern to improve my life then I was wrong; it wasn’t the sleep patterns, it was me.

But I should probably think about these things when I’m not so tired.

I hope the melatonin really does work.

w00t

Teeth, mind, sleep

My mouth is numb and my voice is slurred. No! I haven’t been on a weekend drinking binge (that’s next weekend), I’ve been to the dentist and had a back molar filled. I have one more treatment to go and then I’m all caught up with my dental needs.

I saw my psychiatrist earlier. She’s happy that I’m doing well and has prescribed me the melatonin. The pharmacy have to order it in, so I don’t actually have it yet, but I will tomorrow probably.

In short, yay everything. Doesn’t really make for exciting blogging, though.

Things I’d say to me if I could go back in time and have a conversation with my younger self

So, kid, I’m you from 10 years in the future. Hard to believe? Well, let’s see… The worst moment in your life was when you twisted Polly’s arm and thought you’d broken it. You once stole a couple of books from the school library by erasing all records of them. Oh, and your dad once hit you for calling him a pervert when you had no idea what the word meant. Now do you believe I’m you? Good. I don’t have much time and there’s a lot I want to tell you, so listen up.

First up, you’re not lazy because you can’t get up in the mornings: You have a sleep disorder. You’re don’t hate yourself because you’re a horrible person: You’re have a mood disorder.

Being a nice guy doesn’t give you some magic entitlement to true love and happiness. Being a nice guy isn’t something you want to be anyway. Try to be a good person instead. What’s the difference? When a nice guy gets rejected he feels hurt that his niceness hasn’t been rewarded and resentful of the stupid bitch who’d obviously prefer to go out with some complete bastard instead of him. Don’t try to argue, I know you feel that way because I did when I was you. Yes, you feel guilty about it as well, but just because you know that it’s not right doesn’t make it any better. That’s why you should try to be a good person – less guilt and much better results. Good people sometimes feel hurt by rejection, but they don’t harbour evil little grudges about it.

And while we’re on the subject, becoming hopelessly obsessed with girls you’ve barely spoken to isn’t a good thing. No, it’s not love, it’s some form of agonised longing. Maybe you’re trying to find someone to love you because you don’t even like yourself and you’re desperately trying to fill the aching gap that leaves in your life. But I’m not here to play psychologist. I’m not having a go at you about it. But people can tell and it makes them uncomfortable. It’s not romantic. It’s creepy. Particularly the staring at people when you think they’re not looking. Stop it.

On the other hand, you should definitely try to make eye contact with people, but not too much because that’s also kind of creepy.

Forget everything you think you know about romance. The stuff in books and in films would, in real life, result in restraining orders.

See, your problem is, you think being in a relationship or having sex will solve all your problems. Neither will, not by a long way. Just relax about it a little. You’re not going to die a virgin, I promise. Don’t look so surprised – even if you’ve never told anyone, I know it’s one of your greatest fears. I’m you, remember?

The internet isn’t the solution to all your problems either.

Now my next piece of advice is going to make you feel pretty awful. I’m sorry, but it’s important. We both know you’re fat and that you think you’re horribly ugly. And yeah, of course it has a huge impact on how people see you. But people would like you a whole lot more if you made some kind of effort with your appearance. In fact you should probably start with showering more often. Don’t look at me like that, I warned you it’d make you feel awful. That’s because you know it’s true.

You’re terribly pale, too. So try and remember that the sun is not your enemy.

Yes, people could like you more. Nobody dislikes you because you’re fat, well, except for you of course. It’s the crushingly low self-confidence that makes you seem kind of pathetic and puts people off. If you want people to like you then you need to be able to talk to them. What do you mean how? You just talk to them.

Ok, for example, it doesn’t matter if the things you enjoy aren’t cool or popular. You know that, right? And you’re completely right. You enjoy whatever you enjoy regardless of what other people think of it. But it doesn’t hurt to try to appreciate the cool and popular things, too. You’ll meet lots of people who love that stuff – that’s how come it’s so popular, right? – and you’ll get on with them better if you don’t think all the stuff they like is complete crap.

That applies to religious people too. What? Of course I’m still an atheist. Being religious doesn’t make you stupid, right? I know you tend to think that everyone who believes in gods must be a complete moron, but there’s a lot of smart religious folk around. Just think of them as having one bit of their mind that’s completely delusional and try not to get into arguments about it.

I know the one thing you think you have going for you is your intelligence. But being clever isn’t enough. At some point you’ll have to learn how to actually work at things rather than coasting along. And don’t try to make other people feel dumb just so you can feel superior to them in one small way.

You’re going to have to work pretty hard and go through a lot of shit to become me. I’m not going to lie to you, it’s going to be a tough decade. I know you think you’ll be an adult soon and then you’ll be capable and know how to do all the things you find so difficult now. But there’s isn’t some big moment where you go from being a confused kid to being a responsible adult. There’s no age where you find yourself suddenly filled with confidence and certainty. You just get a bit hairier about the face and have more experience in dealing with things. Most things are easier the second time round.

I have to go now. No, I didn’t come in a DeLorean and I’m not waiting for a bolt of lightning. But I want to make a promise: Things will get better eventually. Goodbye kid. Look after yourself. And don’t tell anyone about this because they’ll think you’re even crazier than you actually are.

Infertility update

So I went to my doctor today to get the results for my blood test. The weird low-FSH thing is now confirmed (the measurement was 0.8 mIU/ml; testosterone and LH were normal). My doctor agrees this is very strange weird and has contacted an endocrinologist for advice. We talked a bit about what this will mean. If the endocrinologist does want to see me (I think they will, just because this is such a rare thing) then I suspect I’ll have a semen analysis to check out whether I’m infertile or not. My doctor did mention that they could suggest that I’ll only need to come back at the point if I get to a point where I’m failing to get someone pregnant.

I think if they don’t want to see me, I’ll consider getting a semen analysis done privately (I think my parents would pay for this). I just think it would be better to know for sure rather than have it be an issue at the back of my mind.

Anyway, my doctor will be calling me tomorrow to let me know what the endocrinologist said.

I still feel rather strange about the whole thing – it’s weird accidentally finding out that your body isn’t working in some completely hidden way. But I feel a whole lot better than I did at first.

See, this is why I hate the council

So my wisdom tooth is still firmly lodged in my mouth. Why? Because I was half an hour late to my appointment. Why was I half an hour late? Because I got lost on the way there and went in completely the wrong direction. Why did I get lost? Because I couldn’t find the road I needed to go down. Why couldn’t I find that road? Because there was no fucking road sign.

What should have been a half-hour journey turned into an hour and a quarter. I managed to miss the dental hospital (for which there were also no signposts) by about 30 feet. I eventually got there after walking in a huge circle. So I have another appointment in a months time. This isn’t a huge problem – it’s not like the tooth is actually hurting – but it’s annoying.

Work/Money/Phone

So yeah, the work thing on Wednesday went really well. I met with my manager (who is a different person to the manager I had last time I was there) and one of the two CSMs for the call centre. It was all fairly relaxed and informal. I talked about the hours I can work and they talked about how to get me back up to speed on the various things that have changed since I was last there. They seemed very prepared to accomodate my needs and happy that I’d be coming back.

I’ve noticed how different I am when dealing with people now. Gone is the edginess and the constant analysis of the situation. I’m relaxed and confident. I always thought confidence was something people were aware of in a kind of I can do this because I’m CONFIDENT! Ha! way. That was how I always experienced it. Then again, I never really lacked confidence. I was always aware I could do stuff, even when depressed, it was just the amount of effort it took. It turns out that confidence is something you’re not even aware of. It’s an absence of anxiety and fear, not bravura and courage. You just do stuff and enjoy it. It feels natural.

And of course, it’s also the preference of the habitual voyeur of what is known as parklife.

So the outcome of the meeting was that they’ll be looking into how I can do the training to update my skills and will give me a call in a couple of weeks. I should be back at work by the new year, doing 16 hours a week part-time. It’s not guaranteed that I’ll be able to increase that if I want to, but they don’t see any problems with that.

Excitingly enough, my parents also just gave me the remainder of the money from my great aunt and uncle’s estate (which paid off all my debts last year). This was £3000. I kind of hesitated for a few days, and today I’ve applied to put it into an ISA (a tax-free savings account in the UK). It’ll be joining £600 from my other savings, which fully subscribes my allowance this tax year. This means that I already have the tuition fee for the masters degree I want to do next year and anything I save from now on will go towards living expenses. To me, this is incredibly awesome.

So these things have made up for the otherwise annoying week I’ve had, which involved losing my phone (I don’t know how or where, but it definitely disappeared). Even this has its positive side. I’d had the phone for over three years and the new one looks like it’ll be really good (also, free). I do have to wait for the new sim-card to arrive before I can get it though. And it looks like the annoying cold I’ve had is finally going away. The results of my blood test are also through and I have an appointment on Thursday to discuss it. I don’t know how much discussion I’ll actually be able to do, since my wisdom tooth is being ripped out my mouth on Wednesday.

Anyway, that’s everything that’s going on with me at the moment.

Shoes/Work/Teeth etc.

Something very strange happened today. I went into a shop to buy some new shoes and the very first pair I looked at were exactly the right size. I don’t think that’s ever happened before – my feet are 8½ wide fit. Finding the right size is difficult enough. Finding them immediately is just bizarre, though definitely good.

I needed new shoes because I’m going to work tomorrow. Not to actually do any work, but to discuss how I’m going to go back. This is pretty exciting, though I’m also a little nervous. It’s a big thing for me. It’s been nearly 2 years. I think I’m going to enjoy getting back to work. I’m certainly going to enjoy being able to start saving for the future. Not only am I going back to work, I’m working towards something. I’ve never done that before.

It’s going to be weird meeting people I knew before. I don’t know how much they know about what happened with me or where I’ve been these past couple of years. I suspect they only know that I was ill. I should probably think about how much I want to disclose about my illness if asked. I think I’m going to be fairly open about it. It’ll be nice getting to know people now that I’m healthy and not permanently exhausted.

Other stuff has been going on.

I lost my debit card on Friday night, It disappeared into the gaping jaws of an evil cash-machine. It’s not been a big deal, but as a consequence I’ve now used my checkbook for the first time in three years.

On Monday I got my blood taken. They should have the results Thursday or Friday. I now have a little bruise over where the needle went in, which is the first time that’s happened. I also went to the dentist. The last time I went they fixed one of my front teeth. This time they fixed the other one. There’s quite a lot of dental composite over them now There’s a bit more work to be done, but it’s all at the back of my mouth out of view, so the cosmetic stuff (it all needed to be done anyway, but the dentist made it look nice) is complete. For the first time in years I have a nice smile. It’s not exactly gleaming, but it looks really good. I’m so happy about this.

There’s other stuff I want to talk about, which is going to get its own post shortly.