On Cutting

January 11, 2007 at 2:47 pm 3 comments

I eat and I dress and I wash
and I still can say thank you
Puking – shaking – sinking
I still stand for old ladies
Can’t shout, can’t scream,
hurt myself to get pain out
    — Manic Street Preachers, Yes

Some of the self-harm research suggests that cutting is more common among women because men tend to externalise their anger. I’ve never been a very expressive person in normal life. I learnt to control my feelings when I was young. There was no way to beat my father, and later, there was no way to fight back against the kids who bullied me. Shut up. Take it. Go scream later where nobody can hear you. To show that you’ve been hurt is to admit weakness and there are people all around who will take advantage of that weakness to hurt you even more. Nobody is to be trusted; they will all do it sooner or later.

So when you’re hurt and there’s nobody to turn to because, after all, they’re all your enemy, what do you do? When you’re so angry you want to hit things, but can’t because somebody will hear, and if they hear, then they’ll know you’ve been hurt, and they can never know that you’ve been hurt, what do you do?

You go off somewhere and quietly cut yourself. Because there’s nothing else that you can do to express the anger you have to hide all the time. If you weren’t so weak, then you’d be able to hurt them back, but you can’t and that means you’re to blame. That means you deserve it. But if you can take this anger and turn it into pain, then you’re one of the strong ones too. You can hurt yourself just as much as anyone else can. And the blood transforms your flesh into something not quite of this world. The pearlescent shimmer of coagulation. You become something other than the weak, helpless human you are and the anger fades into serenity.

No meditating monk ever felt so peaceful. You’re not ashamed yet. And the world is far away, because no matter what it does to you next. you’ve been through worse. You’ve have the scars to prove it. Hurt me, I don’t care, it’s not like I don’t do it to myself. But nobody can know, because if they know you cut yourself, then they’ll know you’re weak…

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Out of Temazepam / Legal proceedings Appointments galore

3 Comments Add your own

  • 1. am i a body fascist?  |  January 12, 2007 at 2:23 am

    uh-huh …

    can’t say doesn’t kinda familiar, though usually didn’t care for people to see it, was more about drowning the pain of my dying soul, a trick physical pain just does best. since wasn’t important nobody noticing, punching stuff or myself usually was more practical anyway. though nowadays mostly ‘upgraded’ to jogging n workouts, which have the additional benefit of releasing even more different kinds of nice hormones n endorphine stuff, not to mention being less questionable n even downright healthy.

    anyways, just stumbled over your blog and wanted to say hi. n plz be soddin careful with letting them prescribe you meds, know of a whole couple a folks fighting really tough fights getting rid of such again, and to all of them, in the beginning of course didn’t tell these’re more than just a bit addictive … ‘nice’ side effects too …

  • 2. Jones  |  January 12, 2007 at 7:12 am

    “If you weren’t so weak, then you’d be able to hurt them back, but you can’t and that means you’re to blame. That means you deserve it.” I call bullfuckingshit on that one. Ok, so if you feel like hurting some one back, how far are you going to take it? Cutting them with the knife that you turn on yourself instead? To not fight back isn’t weakness, it’s self-control of some potentially violent behavior that would lower you to the level of the beasts that hurt you. It’s pointless in a lot of situations to “fight back”, especially physically. Does it mean you deserve to be hurt? Fuck no, of course not.
    Btw, benzos are totally overrated. They’re addictive as hell, and pretty soon you feel nothing from them. No more “nice” feeling or mellowing out. Your doses go up and then you hit the maximum that they’ll dish out. Then you’re fucked. You start to want more and start to feel “drug sick” when you don’t get them, or worse. Some take a long time to wean off of, and they really aren’t recommended for long-term use.
    I don’t know what your dianosis is, but giving benzos alone to somebody that sounds like they cut themselves more than rarely seems like bad medicine to me. Sort of like – here, kid, these will mellow you out, now get out of my office. Something’s wrong with this picture. Are you on other meds?

  • 3. experimental chimp  |  January 12, 2007 at 5:07 pm

    am i a body fascist? – hi! Welcome, etc. Yeah, I’ll be careful about what they prescribe. I tend to be obsessive about researching things anyway.

    Jones – Not saying it’s exactly a logical chain of thought there. And it’s not really the way I think these days. Took me a long time to work out how to stand up for myself in any way, really, but I’ve got that one sorted out now.

    Benzos are nice at the moment, but only because I’m benzo naive. Same as codeine is nice, because I’m opiate naive. Would suck to be addicted to either of them. I’m not planning on getting hooked (I find it difficult to get hooked on most substances anyway). The doctor prescribed them because of my sleeping problems. I’m seeing a psychiatrist next Wednesday who’ll decide on diagnosis and meds etc.

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Hi, I'm James. I'm a 26 year old guy from England with bipolar disorder (currently well controlled). I also have a circadian rhythm sleep disorder (not so well controlled). This blog has charted my journey from mental illness, through diagnosis and, recently, into recovery. It's not always easy, but then, what is?

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As of 12th September 2008 it has been forty five weeks since I quit smoking. So in another seven weeks it'll have been a whole year.

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