Generalised feelings of dread

January 30, 2007 at 10:13 pm 1 comment

I’m currently experiencing some feelings of what I can only describe as dread. As if some violent and malevolent occurrence is heading my way and I’m just waiting for it to happen. My senses of self and of my surroundings appears to be heightened and my experience of time has become pronounced. The minutes pass by slowly and I am unable to defocus myself from the moment. I realise that writing down how this feels is a way of dealing with it, but is also tied into the heightened sense of self, which seems to have made me hyper-analytical.

Something is not right with me. I went to the local takeaway shop just now and felt my interaction was definitely off. Generally I am able to paper over the cracks in my mood and emotion by overcompensation. I can seem cheerful and happy (a little too cheerful?) while wanting to die. But when I am feeling significantly off baseline in psychological state, my ability to do this is impaired. I had difficulty meeting the eyes of the guy who served me. It was an effort to bridge the gap between myself and the world.

This feels like the proverbial calm before the storm. It’s quiet tonight and seems too quiet. The only vehicle that drove by when I went out was a paramedic vehicle. The couple who walked by on the other side of the road seemed threatening, disturbing, dangerous. The noises I hear as I sit in my flat make me jump, even the expected ones, the sounds of people on the stairs, of traffic on the road. It’s like the first time you’re ever left alone in a house. Every creak sounds like a mass-murderer’s chisel on the lock. No matter how much the rational mind complains, the fear simply won’t go away.

The distance between the concerns of the rational mind and the feelings of the screaming child within grows wider. Paranoia’s claws hook into the chinks in the armour of the soul. I know my neighbours are not fiends on a mission to destroy me in various terrible and obscene ways, but if you asked me right now to go knock on one of their doors, I couldn’t do it. If one knocked on my own door, I’d hide. I have music on, but I’m ready to turn the volume all the way down if I hear a noise I can’t identify. I’m worried the music will attract attention. But it helps. It drowns out the silence.

What I really want is for someone to make everything better. To hold me until the fear goes away and tell me everything will be OK. But there’s nobody here but me and I’m not doing that great a job of making anything better. I’m fairly convinced that everything’s not OK, here or anywhere, that nowhere is safe and I’d better not let my guard drop for one second.


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Sleep Fuck Everything

1 Comment Add your own

  • 1. Brittanie  |  September 9, 2009 at 12:55 am

    i’m not a doctor, but i honestly believe you have generalized anxiety disorder. i believe i have the same thing. i feel the same way you do. please look it up, at least on google.

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Hi, I'm James. I'm a 26 year old guy from England with bipolar disorder (currently well controlled). I also have a circadian rhythm sleep disorder (not so well controlled). This blog has charted my journey from mental illness, through diagnosis and, recently, into recovery. It's not always easy, but then, what is?


Self-righteous note about smoking

As of 12th September 2008 it has been forty five weeks since I quit smoking. So in another seven weeks it'll have been a whole year.

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