Categories of Human Misery

March 19, 2007 at 8:32 pm Leave a comment

Now I don’t care what you’re doing
No I don’t care if you screw him just as long as you save a piece for me
Oh yeah now, you say you’ve got to go home.
Well at least there’s someone there that you can talk to
And you never have to face up to the night on your own.
    — Pulp, Do You Remember The First Time?

This is one of those times when I feel horribly lonely. Lonely isn’t exactly the right word, so much as “loveless”. I’m used to solitude and it doesn’t bother me. I’d be happy to go out to the pub with friends, but equally, I’m not unhappy that I’m spending time on my own. I’m comfortable with my own company. So what I miss isn’t company, but the knowledge that there’s anyone out there who thinks I’m worth their time. A relationship may not solve many problems, but it’s an indication that someone else has faith in your future.

I have no faith in my future at all. And nobody to tell me it’s going to be OK.

Not being touched for long periods of time leads to weird feelings. You don’t feel entirely physical. You walk through the world like a ghost, cut off from an entire chunk of human experience. It’s not been that long for me. I’m sure there were hugs with various family members before I came back from my parent’s house after Christmas. That’s only three months or so. In the past, I’ve gone nearly a year without any physical contact with other people. So this isn’t really so bad and, unlike that time, which was back at university, I’m not constantly subjected to random couples I know, hugging, kissing, holding hands, etc.

A hug from someone who gave a damn would be nice. Physical contact is, in a small way, a reaffirmation of your own existence.

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Mouse: Part II 0 + 0 = 0

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Hi, I'm James. I'm a 26 year old guy from England with bipolar disorder (currently well controlled). I also have a circadian rhythm sleep disorder (not so well controlled). This blog has charted my journey from mental illness, through diagnosis and, recently, into recovery. It's not always easy, but then, what is?

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As of 12th September 2008 it has been forty five weeks since I quit smoking. So in another seven weeks it'll have been a whole year.

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