Fuck… again.

So, the feelings got stronger. Horrible state to be in. Intolerable rage at everything. Fairly intense visual disturbances in the last hour of it, along with a complete inability to think coherently.

So, after sticking it out for hours, I gave in and cut. The overriding horribleness has now diminished, although there’s still traces of it. It was fairly calm cutting, although it was definitely about hurting myself. 19 cuts along my right forearm. I’m right handed, and it’s difficult to apply much pressure to a razor blade using my left hand, so they’re not terribly deep, but a few are gaping slightly and one by my elbow isn’t looking great.

This time, however, I’ve actually taken some responsibility and used some first aid. The gaping cut is now tucked together with steri-strips and covered in a breathable plastic film. I’ve done the same for some of the other cuts. And yes, I’m going back to the GP to tell them that no, the citalopram isn’t doing good things for me at all. I have an appointment for 4pm tomorrow, although since my usual GP is off all this week, it’s with another GP at the same surgery.