Fuck… again.

April 10, 2007 at 10:27 am 4 comments

So, the feelings got stronger. Horrible state to be in. Intolerable rage at everything. Fairly intense visual disturbances in the last hour of it, along with a complete inability to think coherently.

So, after sticking it out for hours, I gave in and cut. The overriding horribleness has now diminished, although there’s still traces of it. It was fairly calm cutting, although it was definitely about hurting myself. 19 cuts along my right forearm. I’m right handed, and it’s difficult to apply much pressure to a razor blade using my left hand, so they’re not terribly deep, but a few are gaping slightly and one by my elbow isn’t looking great.

This time, however, I’ve actually taken some responsibility and used some first aid. The gaping cut is now tucked together with steri-strips and covered in a breathable plastic film. I’ve done the same for some of the other cuts. And yes, I’m going back to the GP to tell them that no, the citalopram isn’t doing good things for me at all. I have an appointment for 4pm tomorrow, although since my usual GP is off all this week, it’s with another GP at the same surgery.

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Short Note on Despair Hypomaniacal Things

4 Comments Add your own

  • 1. patientanonymous  |  April 10, 2007 at 5:14 pm

    I’m sorry you cut again. I guess the Citalopram was worth a shot but perhaps it is indeed making thngs worse. Maybe an anticonvulsant might work better…could we be leaning toward Bipolar here?

  • 2. experimental chimp  |  April 10, 2007 at 5:43 pm

    I think so. Unfortunately, actually getting anyone with prescribing powers to believe this is turning out to be somewhat difficult. I don’t feel comfortable actually labelling myself biplolar until I get a diagnosis, though.

  • 3. patientanonymous  |  April 10, 2007 at 8:44 pm

    Well, keep persevering. Make some mood charts. Get whatever documentation you can to back up your case and “prove” your changes in moods, behaviours etc… I’ve done this before and it may piss off whomever is diagnosing me or whatever but really, it’s for your own benefit. This sort of thing makes me “insane.” Make lots of notes…anything, everything. I don’t know your full history but think hard about it and just bring it all out. If it’s there I really don’t see why it would be so hard to diagnose!

    I understand the “label” business. Of course. I know we haven’t *known* each other that long but this doesn’t surprise me at all in the least?

  • 4. katm  |  April 11, 2007 at 4:57 am

    I’ll agree with PA on this one. The more data you can present these people the better. The more you write, the more I think you’re spot on about the BP dx. And given your last post, you seem to have a multiple year history of both manic/hypomanic behavior and depressive behavior.

    Good luck with the substitute GP. Let us know how it goes. You’ll be in my thoughts.

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Hi, I'm James. I'm a 26 year old guy from England with bipolar disorder (currently well controlled). I also have a circadian rhythm sleep disorder (not so well controlled). This blog has charted my journey from mental illness, through diagnosis and, recently, into recovery. It's not always easy, but then, what is?

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