Short Note on Despair

April 10, 2007 at 5:25 am 2 comments

Back to crashing again. Firmly convinced I’m a stupid, pathetic, whiny, annoying asshole. Suicidal ideation (“Why haven’t you had the guts to do it yet, you stupid, pathetic, whiny, annoying asshole?”). Headachey and tired. The mouse is back. It woke me up by crawling on a plastic bag around 9:30pm. I managed to break the trap I had last week while, in a fit of anxiety about noises in the corridor outside, stepping back onto it, shattering the plastic. I’ve constructed a home-made one, involving a roasting dish, a piece of chocolate, a broken piece of coathanger and some string. So far the mouse hasn’t been interested. Right now I’m not sure I can be bothered to care.

Cut myself (and of course, I deserve to hurt) and these feelings will probably go away. But I haven’t cut yet. Hit myself about the head a few times (which could explain the headacheyness), but nothing involving blades yet. Knowing these feelings aren’t real doesn’t help in dealing with them.

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Entry filed under: Uncategorized. Tags: .

Feeling Fuck… again.

2 Comments Add your own

  • 1. katm  |  April 11, 2007 at 4:55 am

    No. You don’t deserve to hurt. Nobody deserves to hurt, especially not a caring person like you. Now no arguing with me… I can hear you as clear as I can my own voice. They’re the same words I’d say if I were writing what you’re writing.

    SI.. It’s a coping mechanism.

    Please take care.

  • 2. Ravi Deshmukh  |  February 9, 2013 at 11:43 pm

    Hello! This is my 1st comment here so I just wanted to give a quick shout out and tell you I genuinely
    enjoy reading through your posts. Can you suggest any other blogs/websites/forums that deal with the same topics?
    Appreciate it!

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Hi, I'm James. I'm a 26 year old guy from England with bipolar disorder (currently well controlled). I also have a circadian rhythm sleep disorder (not so well controlled). This blog has charted my journey from mental illness, through diagnosis and, recently, into recovery. It's not always easy, but then, what is?

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As of 12th September 2008 it has been forty five weeks since I quit smoking. So in another seven weeks it'll have been a whole year.

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