Random self-loathing

April 19, 2007 at 5:00 pm 4 comments

Feeling like shit today. Strong feelings of self-hatred again. Took 8mg of diazepem and wrote a long diatribe against myself before it kicked in. I’ll spare you the details. Would have cut, but managed to avoid it so far. I suspect I’ll end up giving in and doing so eventually, but maybe I can put it off long enough that I fall asleep before I do. What disturbs me about these episodes is the sheer level of self-loathing. It’s taking an effort to write this in a semi-rational manner, rather than constantly insulting myself. Constant images of me committing terribly violent acts against myself running through my head. Trying to distract myself. Feel worthless and suicidal (five minutes with a rope and I could be done with all this), but I’m not going to act on the suicidal impulses, because somewhere in the back of my head I know that the intensity of these feelings is temporary and they will fade.

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GP again Mouse: The End

4 Comments Add your own

  • 1. gloomferret  |  April 19, 2007 at 7:17 pm

    Better to write about how crap you consider yourself than to carve it in flesh.

  • 2. E  |  April 19, 2007 at 8:14 pm

    hang on in there EC

  • 3. katm  |  April 20, 2007 at 12:18 am

    Read that last sentence you posted over and over and over again. Then read it one more time.

    It is temporary. And you’ll cycle back out of it.

    The more I read, the more my untrained eye believes that you’re bipolar.

  • 4. patientanonymous  |  April 20, 2007 at 3:35 am

    I’m glad you didn’t cut. I actually drank the other night and didn’t “do anything stupid” so here’s to you and me, you hear? We made it though a bad spot/period for both of us and didn’t cut. That’s really good.

    And katm raises a good point. People keep telling me this too and my hardened, stubbornly depressed brain keeps refusing to listen but it’s a trick–at least to the Bipolar brain it is. And I know you haven’t been formally diagnosed but just for the moment, *pretend* that you are.

    The feelings are temporary…they will fade. Let’s both try really hard and make it our mantra.

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Hi, I'm James. I'm a 26 year old guy from England with bipolar disorder (currently well controlled). I also have a circadian rhythm sleep disorder (not so well controlled). This blog has charted my journey from mental illness, through diagnosis and, recently, into recovery. It's not always easy, but then, what is?

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As of 12th September 2008 it has been forty five weeks since I quit smoking. So in another seven weeks it'll have been a whole year.

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