All my hope is gone

April 20, 2007 at 10:23 pm 2 comments

When you say it’s gonna happen “now”
Well, when exactly do you mean ?
See, i’ve already waited too long
And all my hope is gone
    — The Smiths, How Soon Is Now?

Been thinking about sex and relationships. Will be alone and unloved forever. Moods all over the place today. Wrote thousand word post about this then deleted it. Will re-do in outline format:

  • Talking about sex is difficult…
    • Sex is generally as emotionally involving for men as it is for women.
    • Female-marketed media involve discussion of sex emotionally. Male-marketed media involve discussion of “look at the tits on that!”
    • Traditional images of masculinity involve either regular sex or a conscious commitment to celibacy. Men who aren’t getting any because they can’t are regarded as losers.
    • Talking about not getting any and the reasons why is difficult.
  • …but important.
    • Sex isn’t about friction, but emotional resonance and connection.
    • ‘Meaningless’ sex still carries the meaning that someone deems you worth fucking.
    • More meaningful sex is about trust, intimacy, building connections with people.
    • A lack of sex is both a lack of any reinforcement of being worth fucking and any of the more involved feelings.
  • I suck.
    • While I wish I was getting laid more often (or at all), what I’d really want is more involved and overlaps with my desire for relationships.
    • This is futile: The only women I’ve met in the last few months have been my new GP and my psychiatrist.
    • I suck at pursuing relationships.
    • The conversations I have with people are entirely superficial in an effort to keep people at an emotional distance.
    • I’m too busy trying not to act like a social cripple to notice if I’m attracted to someone or be able to do anything about it if I do.
  • But here’s some false hope.
    • If someone else makes the first move I can react to this.
    • But only if I’m feeling confident and possibly hypomanic.
    • This doesn’t happen often, since men generally make the first move.
    • When I’m down, I’m likely to misinterpret attraction as a plot to mock me.
  • Besides, I’m one sick bastard.
    • I’ve always had sexual fantasies incorporating BDSM elements.
    • My most serious relationship was with a sexually submissive girl, confirming my fantasies as something that I want and enjoy.
    • The irony here is that the type of women I’m likely to be most sexually compatible with are those who are least likely to make the first move.
  • And then there’s the scars…
    • My arms are covered in scars.
    • Scars are not typically something people find attractive, at least not the amount I have.
    • I’m forced to divulge deeply personal information about my mental health problems to anyone I’m likely to have sex with.
    • Attempting a relationship with someone I meet at work would mean taking the risk of everyone knowing I’m crazy.
  • …and everything else.
    • I’m poor.
    • I have few prospects.
    • I have mental health problems.
  • So, to conclude:
    • I don’t meet anyone.
    • If I did I wouldn’t be able to do anything about it.
    • There’s few reasons anyone would find me attractive, anyway.
    • And fewer reasons why anyone would put up with me and my problems.
    • So casual sex is very unlikely to occur.
    • But probably more likely than an actual meaningful relationship.
    • Will be alone and unloved forever.
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Mouse: The End Fun with Graphs

2 Comments Add your own

  • 1. patientanonymous  |  April 22, 2007 at 8:43 pm

    This was a good post–even if you just did it in bulleted point format. I can totally relate to this. I mean, I’m kind of a mess re: sex and always have been. And relationships too!

    Now I can’t say that I’m with you on every point you mention because then I would be you and I’m not…I’m…well…me.

    But you’re not a “sick bastard.” There’s nothing wrong with BDSM. Been there, spent time in the scene. It’s not a big deal and nothing to be ashamed of. And as far as disclosure goes about mental health status–well, I’ve always thought it’s going to come out sooner or later so if the person can’t deal with it, then better to have them walk away in the beginning. I’m always up front right away. If they can deal with that, then they can deal with your scars. It’s a package deal. I have scars too. Maybe not as many but even people knowing that I cut–it’s essentially the same thing, right?

    I’m not sure what I can say about the rest–like in the first paragraph, always been terribly confused by both sex and relationships and well…from this vantage point, it seems that all they both have led me to is a lot of trouble and pain. I try to find some value and learning experiences in everything that I go through but right now, I’m just not there yet. Everything is coloured by pain and loss and grief and disappointment.

    Sorry, I’m turning your comment section into a personal blog post…

  • 2. Fiana  |  November 7, 2012 at 9:56 am

    He broke up with me and he came home before my Birthday! Thanks to mukumukushrine@gmail.com for all the help. The lover spell work fast, oh my God, this actually worked really well too. reverse please!!! lol

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Hi, I'm James. I'm a 26 year old guy from England with bipolar disorder (currently well controlled). I also have a circadian rhythm sleep disorder (not so well controlled). This blog has charted my journey from mental illness, through diagnosis and, recently, into recovery. It's not always easy, but then, what is?

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