June 6, 2007 at 12:33 am Leave a comment

OK. Now I really want to die.

Stalking your exes online is a bad idea. Bad. Bad. Idea. (By stalking I actually mean looking at their myspace page/livejournal.)

Yes, it’s completely unrealistic to expect that your ex will never have another relationship. That doesn’t make it hurt less to know they’ve moved on.

(The ex in question is Rebecca, by the way.)

OK. Calm down. Analyse.

Initial feelings of panic, despair, hurt, fading to numbness. I’m aware I’ve never even cried about the break-up, nor dealt with it in any way whatsoever. Numbness rising as a defense mechanism. Justifications being generated. Ah, there we go:

What do I care anyway? I’m glad she’s with someone and pursuing happiness. So things didn’t work out between us, I’m happy she’s moved on and is getting on with life.

You know, I got through the entire three hours of talking to the psychologist with the only mention of her being “Oh yeah, and I broke up with my last girlfriend towards the end of last year.”

There probably isn’t any way I could deal with these feelings anyway. Not dealing with them may be my only option, because given the little taste of them I just experienced, I’d be dead within a couple of days if I tried.

(But I can’t go on like this either: Not feeling anything is almost as bad.)

Fuck it. Whatever.


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Appointments / Julie / Loneliness Sputnik

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Hi, I'm James. I'm a 26 year old guy from England with bipolar disorder (currently well controlled). I also have a circadian rhythm sleep disorder (not so well controlled). This blog has charted my journey from mental illness, through diagnosis and, recently, into recovery. It's not always easy, but then, what is?


Self-righteous note about smoking

As of 12th September 2008 it has been forty five weeks since I quit smoking. So in another seven weeks it'll have been a whole year.

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