Waking up is hard to do

June 16, 2007 at 2:59 am Leave a comment

The hyperactivity of the last few days seems to have died down a bit now, replaced with anxiety and a side helping of despair. I’ve been watching films just to avoid having to think. For some reason, most of them seem to have John Cusack in some role. Lots of random suicidal ideation and self-harm urges, but of the kind I can handle mostly. If this goes on for much longer, I suspect that self-harm will become more likely.

Waking up takes a ridiculous amount of effort. I’m guilty of hitting the snooze button, which I’m fairly sure I’m not supposed to do. Unfortunately, it’s a choice between hitting snooze and falling back to sleep for another few hours. I’ve managed to get to a sitting position within half an hour and feel vaguely human another hour after that, by which time I’ve probably regained the ability to keep both eyes open at the same time. Another hour afterwards and thoughts stop slicing their way slowly through my synapses and achieve something close to their usual speed.

This is similar to how it was at one point when I was working, but it gets worse as the level of tiredness increases. I ended up having to set my alarm an hour before I had to get up, then getting up half an hour after I was supposed to. When you end up walking to work with your eyes closed most of the way because you’re so damn tired, something’s probably wrong.

It’s 4 in the morning now, so time for me to try to get some sleep.

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crying / wandering in the rain / going nowhere Preparation for Bastardry

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Hi, I'm James. I'm a 26 year old guy from England with bipolar disorder (currently well controlled). I also have a circadian rhythm sleep disorder (not so well controlled). This blog has charted my journey from mental illness, through diagnosis and, recently, into recovery. It's not always easy, but then, what is?

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As of 12th September 2008 it has been forty five weeks since I quit smoking. So in another seven weeks it'll have been a whole year.

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