Scary Things (part two)

July 10, 2007 at 10:42 am 2 comments

I spent a while yesterday, while listening to my newly re-acquired music, so close to finally crying about things I should have cried about already, but somehow I couldn’t let go. As always, the defenses came up and I stopped feeling anything much. But for ten minutes I was repeating the words “I loved you” and “fucking bitch” to myself. Now most relationships don’t end because one person is completely at fault and the other is entirely innocent. I know this. But I have a feeling it’s probably not healthy to be entirely reasonable at all times. When you see things from someone else’s point of view all the time, there’s no room left for your own.

But this post isn’t intended to be about Rebecca and my complete inability to deal with any of the emotional consequences of our short-lived relationship. It’s about my intense fear of getting into another relationship. Normally I wouldn’t recognise it as intense fear. I’d just come up with reasons why nobody would be interested in me anyway. It’s easy. I’m poor. I’m covered in scars. I spend most of my time alone in my room. I have no future. You see, it’s easy.

But the thing is, these are just excuses. There aren’t any perfect people and yet they seem to end up together, problems intact. It’s easier to pretend it’s not a possibility than admit that I’m horribly scared about having to deal with the potential unpredictable emotions of another human being. When I think about it in any detail, seeing a stranger I’d like to talk to in a pub or thinking about what I could write for a personal ad, I panic. There’s no possibility so, well, I might as well be dead, so maybe I should stop thinking about it and go hide for a while?

Not a particularly sane reaction. But my brain doesn’t deal with strong, negative emotion in the most sane of ways. To be honest, it doesn’t deal with it at all. It either hangs around, slowly destroying me and driving me towards suicide, or I completely supress it under this shell of cold, emotionless detachment. And then the emptiness of that drives me towards suicide. So relationships and break-ups could kill me. Which makes avoiding them seem kind of sensible. Loneliness is easier to cope with than pain or emptiness. It’s also not a great long term strategy, but it takes longer to really set in. Hating yourself is easier than risking the consequences of talking to anyone.

These fragile equilibriums we reach, dysfunctional yet able to exist. Afraid to move because that might upset the balance and send up falling through the void.

I don’t have a solution for this, which is a pity, since I like solutions. I don’t have a clue how to start feeling things again. And my coping mechanisms for this will disappear at some point. They always do. Ignore everything for a while. Choose a direction and run towards something, anything. End up back in the same place.

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Scary Things (part one) CMHT #2

2 Comments Add your own

  • 1. L.J.  |  July 11, 2007 at 8:48 pm

    I’m sorry it took me so long to get back to you. I think I misunderstood how the commenting worked on here. Anyway…Thanks for the info! I’d done a little bit of research about tianeptine as a reuptake enhancer, but I wasn’t sure I should go into that in this post. You have a very good point, too, that the knowledge base on antidepressants is relatively small. Yes, we seem to know what they are, but how they really work is still a bit of a mystery. Thanks again for checking me out.

  • 2. aikaterine  |  July 20, 2007 at 4:16 am

    One of the reasons I study philosophy is that it allows me to discuss emotional issues with detachment. And that is not always good. One of the most difficult parts of my existence has been allowing myself to feel, not closing myself off under the guise of reason. We rationalize our way out of taking risks, and end up loosing so much.

    I gave up on having long term relationships long ago, and started to focus on enjoying what was happening in the moment. But the ‘no expectations’ view has problems of its own.

    Do you think that you need a solution?

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Hi, I'm James. I'm a 26 year old guy from England with bipolar disorder (currently well controlled). I also have a circadian rhythm sleep disorder (not so well controlled). This blog has charted my journey from mental illness, through diagnosis and, recently, into recovery. It's not always easy, but then, what is?

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As of 12th September 2008 it has been forty five weeks since I quit smoking. So in another seven weeks it'll have been a whole year.

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