August 4, 2007 at 4:55 pm 2 comments

All that’s good is gone.
It’s gone
I have tried too long.
    — Rasputina, A Quitter

I make traps for myself. And the world moves on, leaving me behind. Train yourself to see through lies and fantasy and you end up unable to believe in anything at all. All those little lies that make up a normal life, the idea that this is sufficient, the idea that one small compromise after another doesn’t equal moral bankruptcy. All the choices that people make; I can’t see them as anything but retreat.

I want to be stupid. Thinking’s never got me anywhere except here. I don’t want my decisions loaded down with meaning and consequences. This isn’t intelligence, but it’s something similar.

All social interaction is manipulation.
Every adaptation is a compromise.

I want to be able to define a space in which happiness is possible and not be aware that my world is artificial. I want to be able to pretend things are true without having to keep telling myself to keep pretending. Live in a world where I’m not aware my own beliefs are constructs, where argument is more than just a diversion because there is no true and no false, just constant repetitions of maybe.

I want to be unaware of the scale of the world. I want to confuse the parochial with the universal. I want to be unaware that my assumptions and prejudices are assumptions and prejudices.

I want to erase myself. Erase the things I learned, the constant doubt about the meaning of everything. I want an incisive mind that doesn’t examine itself. I want to be able to look at the world and get angry and stop questioning right there. Stay angry because it makes me feel good and self-righteous and gives me purpose. I don’t want to make the link between the world and myself, because connecting the two destroys me.

And I can’t stop.


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3 Month follow-up to the wrist crisis Feeling better

2 Comments Add your own

  • 1. aikaterine  |  August 5, 2007 at 11:16 am

    “Train yourself to see through lies and fantasy and you end up unable to believe in anything at all.”

    That is the truest proposition I have ever read.

  • 2. katielou82  |  August 17, 2007 at 11:45 pm

    I can totally relate. this is the way my mind works as well…well at times when I am not doped up on heavy meds or sedating substances such as booze or vicodin.
    it makes it hard to live in this world when ones mind works like this….. yet somewhere along the way I have learned to just leave it at anger. I lost that zen budhist way of knowing that one can really know nothing but their own mind… the ever changing nature of understanding and truth…. all the obsevation about human interaction, assumption and self delusion etc…..and I haven’t been back to that space for awhile. I think I gave up on ever knowing the ultimate truth around the time I stopped reading about quantum physics, stopped trying to be the passive observer… and started drinking, doing drugs, trying on new psyche meds and basicaly trying to escape all those disturbing observations about the human condition, our motivations…. the lies we tell ourselves AND of course the most horrible observations of the big picture, how screwed humanity really is because of how unconcious and self diluding most of us are.

    I’ve since stopped drinking and am trying to go back to that space for a visit…. but it can be so confusing, make things seem so futile. maybe I am better off just leaving it at anger.

    in anycase I wanted you to know that I can relate to what you’ve said in this post and I can relate to how hard it can be to have a mind that can think in such deep and complex ways. it is intelligence, just not the type that makes the world go round and gets you brownie points at work. Like I said, being able to think in these ways makes the world a very dfficult place to live in…. if only I could be averagely stupid, as serene and at peace as a cow out to graze. But without drugs or heavy psyche meds I just see too much about life that normal people do not see. and I am left everyday to make that decision: take the pills and be able to cope without becoming distraught by all the observations I make, by the fact that no one ever wants to talk about these things, I’m too deep and no one can relate….. take the pills and not be that way, just be normal, simple thinking and not feel so alone, getalong with people, not be told I’m a pessamist, I think too much too lighten up etc…… or don’t take them and be left with a lonelyness that only the very few people who can think like this are able to feel.

    if you wat to talk about it email me. I don’t know you but I can relate. I have BP myself and am down for having an internet friend. especialy one who can see the deeper things in life. the sometimes scary contradictory nature of perception and action.

    peace -kt

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Hi, I'm James. I'm a 26 year old guy from England with bipolar disorder (currently well controlled). I also have a circadian rhythm sleep disorder (not so well controlled). This blog has charted my journey from mental illness, through diagnosis and, recently, into recovery. It's not always easy, but then, what is?


Self-righteous note about smoking

As of 12th September 2008 it has been forty five weeks since I quit smoking. So in another seven weeks it'll have been a whole year.

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