October 19, 2007 at 5:38 am 6 comments

God this is frustrating. I want a fucking life now, and this planning stuff out and being sensible thing is getting annoying. I want stuff to be happening now, not later.

At the same time, I know that if I go too fast, I’ll just fuck things up (again). I’ll settle for half-measures, end up stuck in them when this current positivity runs out, then collapse into a pathetic heap when the depression kicks in. The whole process being made extra-specially hideous by my sleep problems.

It’s unlikely that my sleep problems are going to go away, even with treatment. I know I can’t manage them naturally (although hopefully the better nutrition will help). I think drugs will help, and hopefully I’ll get them eventually. Managing both the affective stuff and the sleep stuff should get me to a stage where I can actually get stuff done in my life.

But damn, that seems a long time away. I want to go back to university, and I’ll obviously need a job in order to finance this. There’s no fucking way I’m taking out a loan to do it. And I’ll need to manage my sleep problems and affective problems well enough to be able to work and study.

What I’m doing now might get me there eventually. But I’m feeling intensely frustrated.

Still I’m getting my broadband hooked up tomorrow, so that should keep me distracted for a while.

The food thing’s working out pretty well at the moment. I’ve been making distressingly sensible choices about things. There’s actual… vegetables and stuff. Today I had some celery with salsa, which proved to be a remarkably nice combination. I’m about to have dinner (a little late, but I wasn’t really hungry), which will be a jacket potato, covered with some of the chicken and mushroom sauce I saved from dinner last night. (If you’re going to cook stuff, you might as well cook enough to last for more than one meal…)

The switch from pepsi to other less sugary caffeinated beverages has also been successful. I’m drinking quite a lot of tea these days (I drink coffee in my morning, tea in the evening).

I’m pleased, you know, to be feeling better, but I guess it’s just natural that months of TV and tea are less than appealing when I want to be living a life full enough that there’s no time for either. (OK, maybe enough time for tea.)


Entry filed under: Uncategorized. Tags: .

food / stuff / sleep Clinical Opinion

6 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Gabriel...  |  October 19, 2007 at 9:43 am

    “The switch from pepsi to other less sugary caffeinated…”

    Careful of the sugar crash. It’ll definitely feel like a decent depression.

  • 2. experimental chimp  |  October 19, 2007 at 5:13 pm

    Yeah, it took a few days to get used to sugar not being constantly available. I think it helps that I’ve added in plenty of actual food, so at the same time as the sugar crash there’s kind of a nutrition high. Actual vitamins and stuff!

  • 3. anonymous mom  |  October 19, 2007 at 8:56 pm

    try to focus on your here and now chimp – why borrow trouble from tomorrow? you’re doing great, but i guess it’s natural for you to keep second guessing yourself.

  • 4. Gabriel...  |  October 20, 2007 at 1:55 pm

    Slow, short and small steps. But you know that.

    I was having a glass of milk the other day (1%) and it hit me that I went months during the 90’s without so much as a glass of milk… or decent juice or vitamins or veggies. Who knew? You’d think someone would write a pamphlet or make nutrition a part of a high school class or something. A billboard would be good…

  • 5. experimental chimp  |  October 20, 2007 at 11:09 pm

    The thing is, eating healthily (or at least more healthily) takes actual planning and thought. Here in the UK there’s been a huge 5-a-day campaign, telling people to eat five servings of fruit and/or vegetables a day. But actually doing it is harder than just saying it.

  • 6. Gabriel...  |  October 21, 2007 at 12:13 am

    Don’t forget cost and convenience. 2L of pop or “fruit drink” is between $1.50 and $2.50… 1.89L of pure Orange Juice is $5.00. It can be prohibitively expensive on a fixed income. Plus, it’s a lot easier to find chips, chocolate and cake than the veggies and fruits, especially if your sleep pattern gets out of wack. Last week I completely lost any healthy habits I’ve picked up over the past couple of months because the grocery store was closing as I was waking up. I was being not a little facetious when I asked for a billboard, we get “healthy eating” messages at almost every commercial break. Of course fast food restaurants and junk food commercials rule, which makes things just that much harder.

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Hi, I'm James. I'm a 26 year old guy from England with bipolar disorder (currently well controlled). I also have a circadian rhythm sleep disorder (not so well controlled). This blog has charted my journey from mental illness, through diagnosis and, recently, into recovery. It's not always easy, but then, what is?


Self-righteous note about smoking

As of 12th September 2008 it has been forty five weeks since I quit smoking. So in another seven weeks it'll have been a whole year.

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