Post Drunken Self-harm

January 7, 2008 at 5:16 am 7 comments

I don’t really know how to feel about last night with its drinking and cutting. I feel more ashamed about the drink than the cuts. I should have thrown that bottle out or given it away; I know I can’t trust myself to treat alcohol in a responsible way when I’m alone, but I kept hold of it anyway. So yeah, I’m ashamed that I once again, showing a complete inability to learn, drank way too much by myself.

The cutting doesn’t make me ashamed, but it does make me sad. It’s been months since I cut. I had to take apart a razor to get at the blades. I think I’m just frustrated with myself. I can’t even begin to understand how I went from feeling good about life in September to feeling so absolutely shit these days. I just feel pathetic. I don’t work. My friends’ lives move on while mine remains stuck where it is. I’ve been thinking about suicide more than usual, though not as an immediate “I want to die!” thing, but an eventual thing off in the distance.

I think I should probably bring my appointment with the psychiatrist forwards.

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Drunken Self-Harm Suicidal Creme Eggs

7 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Gabriel...  |  January 7, 2008 at 9:09 am

    Their lives are just as sedentary as yours… that’s the great thing about being a Gen-Xer, none of us are going anywhere but we do it at different speeds.

    Stop drinking and maybe grow a beard, you’re going to be fine. You, me and the Rest of Us are fucked up because of weather more than anything else, look back through your blog and take a look at this time last year. Bet you were going through some grey days back then as well… I’ve been feeling pretty much the same way and it’s dicking around with my ability to remember anything Good that’s happened over the past twelve months… or years.

    Vitamin D, Calcium Supplements, see your doctor and maybe ask if he has one of those Light Lamps. You’re not Pathetic, you’re In Recovery. If anyone asks just tell people you’re “taking time to deal with some health issues.” Or you’re involved in a pro-animal rights cause and you’re planning to free some apes being used in some kind of silly “rage” experiments.

    Feel the shame, allow it to wash over you like a Spring downpour, but get over it and figure out how you’ll do better next time… then go visit Aikaterine and Ferret and eat some feta.

  • 2. adifferentvoice  |  January 7, 2008 at 9:12 am

    Bringing forward the appointment sounds like a good idea. We all have bad days, but “never never never give up” as the old man said. So – next time you’ll throw the alcohol away. Look at the positives – as you say, it has been months since you harmed yourself and you only did so when influenced by alcohol …

    I was interested in Daniel’s comment. I think I’ve said before that I found the Human Givens approach helpful personally – doing an audit of what was missing, and trying one step at a time to fill the gaps. Nothing happens over night, but the HG list does seem to make sense.

    You’re not working, but couldn’t you find something else to do? An evening class with real people – Indian cooking or something like that? Volunteering – you’ve got a lot to give. Or an OU course that will stretch you … even finding some reading that pushes you into new territory. Or you could try hiring a canal boat for a few days :).

    I still use this HG list as a checklist to see which parts of my life I need to work on. I know it sounds too simple, too mechanical, but it does seem to work (for me), and for my children. You won’t solve everything immediately – nobody ever does, but you’ve made a huge amount of progress:

    “Our fundamental emotional needs are:

    Security — safe territory and an environment which allows us to develop fully
    Attention (to give and receive it) — a form of nutrition
    Sense of autonomy and control — having volition to make responsible choices
    Being emotionally connected to others
    Feeling part of a wider community
    Friendship, intimacy — to know that at least one other person accepts us totally for who we are, “warts ‘n’ all”
    Privacy — opportunity to reflect and consolidate experience
    Sense of status within social groupings
    Sense of competence and achievement
    Meaning and purpose — which come from being stretched in what we do and think”

  • 3. Alison  |  January 7, 2008 at 5:34 pm

    I think bringing the appointment forward sounds like a good idea, you don’t want to slip further…. seek help now you know it’s the right thing to do!

  • 4. Ruth  |  January 7, 2008 at 7:32 pm

    Don’t be too hard on yourself about it. It was the alcohol that made you cut, and your post-drunken post with the shame proves this, and you know yourself that having a bottle of alcohol around was a bad move.

    Maybe seeing your psychiatrist earlier could help? I don’t know, ultimately only you can make that decision.

    Thinking of you,

    Ruth

  • 5. Anon  |  January 7, 2008 at 10:30 pm

    Just to say I hope you are feeling better. I’ve been reading your blog every day for a year now, it has helped me to feel less alone. So thank you for taking the effort to put everything down into words, you are worth a lot to us people who quietly read what you write every day.

  • 6. experimental chimp  |  January 8, 2008 at 7:30 am

    Thanks everyone.

  • 7. patientanonymous  |  January 8, 2008 at 5:06 pm

    I’m sorry, love. I have always cut when drinking and afterward, boy, do I ever feel like shit so I could have written this exact same post myself. And yes, alcohol afterward can make you feel pretty shitty too. Depressant factor talking, plus the self harm tacked on…

    Oh, wow…how this resonates…you would not believe!

    Please try not to be too hard on yourself. As another commenter said above, you haven’t self harmed in a long time and that’s great!

    Making changes in our lives is really hard. When we screw up we DO feel a lot of shame. I know I do. It hurts a lot but it will pass. And as Gabriel… said, we can only try and do better next time. I see it that way too.

    I mean, I’ve been fucking up royally lately–well, how about continually? I really just can’t seem to get my act together but I keep trying. That’s all really any of us can do, right?

    Hugs,
    PA

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Hi, I'm James. I'm a 26 year old guy from England with bipolar disorder (currently well controlled). I also have a circadian rhythm sleep disorder (not so well controlled). This blog has charted my journey from mental illness, through diagnosis and, recently, into recovery. It's not always easy, but then, what is?

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As of 12th September 2008 it has been forty five weeks since I quit smoking. So in another seven weeks it'll have been a whole year.

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