January 16, 2008 at 1:13 am 2 comments

No sex, no drugs, no wine, no women
No fun, no sin, no you, no wonder it’s dark
    The Vapors, Turning Japanese

I just downloaded The Smiths back catalogue. Anyone connected to the music industry is welcome to assume that this was comprised of a number of legal purchases from an online music store and not (purely by way of example), from public bittorrent networks, which would be quite wrong. I’m listening to it now. In less than 12 hours my first therapy appointment should be taking place. And what better state of mind for someone in therapy than all Morrisseyed out?

I’ve given up smoking for seven weeks now and for three of those I’ve not consumed any nicotine at all. I’ve noticed the occasional random urge to smoke, but nothing very strong. And yet, I don’t feel at all proud of having given up. It’s not as if it was difficult. And it seems like another step backwards. I liked smoking as part of a don’t-give-a-fuck attitude, which was childish, but all I really had. And yeah, I’m happy that my flat doesn’t smell of cigarettes now and it’s not as if I can afford to smoke. But giving up smoking, as well as having gained these positive things, also means having given up on a part of me that I valued, even as it was meaning less and less.

I can’t tell if that makes much sense. I feel so stupid these days.

I was thinking about Rebecca last night. I read a new story that she could have conceivably have been involved in because of her job and wondered if this was so. (I’m being vague, yes.) I searched for her surname and the name of someone else in the newspaper story but nothing came up and I stopped myself from checking any of her websites or searching more generally. Why bother?

And I was thinking about how I’d completely fail to cope if my landlord sold the place. Which is problematic, because almost inevitably, at some point my landlord will decide to sell this flat. And I have no idea how I’d be able to cope with finding a new place when all I want to do is sleep. But nothing really worries me because hey, I can always kill myself. And getting better scares me because it would remove that option… and then I’d actually have to deal with things.


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Two for One Youtube Wednesday Morning

2 Comments Add your own

  • 1. exactscience  |  January 16, 2008 at 9:40 am

    Ah The Smiths. You, Good sir, are in a great position, furnished with the entire back catalogue you can delve into it as you please.

    If this your first big dance with Morrissey then might I suggest you hit up The World Won’t Listen first – skip over Asleep it is far too sparse and maudlin – then select from you favourite songs on it an album to devour. Once you know it inside and out pick the next.

    In a rather manic splurge some years ago I swelled my CD collection ten fold. I am still trying to devour it and learn every track backwards.

    If you are still in need of a don’t give a fuck attitude consider becoming a hard-line straight-edge punk 😛

  • 2. experimental chimp  |  January 17, 2008 at 3:51 am

    I listened to all the studio albums last night – I didn’t bother downloading any of the compilation albums, though. I’ve got a best of Morrissey CD around somewhere…

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Hi, I'm James. I'm a 26 year old guy from England with bipolar disorder (currently well controlled). I also have a circadian rhythm sleep disorder (not so well controlled). This blog has charted my journey from mental illness, through diagnosis and, recently, into recovery. It's not always easy, but then, what is?


Self-righteous note about smoking

As of 12th September 2008 it has been forty five weeks since I quit smoking. So in another seven weeks it'll have been a whole year.

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