Mr. Lovecraft

January 19, 2008 at 7:21 am 1 comment

Been feeling down today. Again. Re-reading The Princess Bride. Concentration isn’t my strong point currently so it’s slow going. I skip between it and My Tiny Life – or, to give it its full title: MY TINY LIFE: Crime and Passion in a Virtual World (Being a True Account of the Case of the Infamous Mr. Bungle and the Author’s Journey, in Consequence Thereof, to the Heart of a Half-Real World Called LambdaMOO) – which is one of those books I meant to read when I was a geeky teenager, but never got round to. It’s just been released as a free download, which is why I’m reading it now.

But my experience of life today has been mostly suicidal. Not the big, loud, exciting kind of suicidal, but the quiet this is all pointless and I want to die kind, with maybe a shade of hey, you have a rope here right now so why wait?. Not so much of that last bit as to make me feel that it’s a realistic possibility in the near future, but enough to make me wonder if cutting would make me feel better. And enough of that to make me think about going to the pharmacy today and getting some over-the-counter codeine medications so I can separate the codeine from the paracetemol and drift off into a world of I-don’t-care-I-feel-lovely for a while.

Except that opiate abuse makes doctors get all nervous and I don’t really want to start lying about my coping strategies. So probably it’s a bad idea, especially since I should be seeing my psychiatrist on Monday and I’m reasonably sure I’ll be getting some medication then. Quetiapine to knock me out? The softly-softly titration of lamotrigine? We’ll see. Anyway, this lightweight opiate abuse while seeming fairly attractive at present probably isn’t a 100% fantastic idea.

Besides my fitful reading, I made a picture as a way of distracting myself from these dull, dull thoughts of suicide. This is Mr. Howard Phillips Lovecraft with some thoughts about suicide:

Mr. Lovecraft

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Therapy! Psychiatrist Appointment

1 Comment Add your own

  • 1. patientanonymous  |  January 20, 2008 at 2:28 am

    Hi Love, sorry to hear you’re feeling a bit down today but at least it’s not really, super down? That’s good. Well, not “good” but if you place it on a relative scale, you understand where I’m coming from.? Still, I know it’s hard battling any kind of suicidal thoughts.

    I also think it’s positive to note your resistance to cut, even though that then lead to the codeine coping but then you resisted that. That’s fantastic.

    You then thought about seeing your psychiatrist and getting help/treatment. Even though you felt like shite, whether you realized or not, there was positivity in there.

    And finally, you moved right on to channeling everything into making art!

    Well done. If you don’t know how much you achieved here, I’m telling you. An unbelievable amount.

    Hugs,
    PA

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Hi, I'm James. I'm a 26 year old guy from England with bipolar disorder (currently well controlled). I also have a circadian rhythm sleep disorder (not so well controlled). This blog has charted my journey from mental illness, through diagnosis and, recently, into recovery. It's not always easy, but then, what is?

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As of 12th September 2008 it has been forty five weeks since I quit smoking. So in another seven weeks it'll have been a whole year.

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