A quick and pointless session of cyberstalking

February 11, 2008 at 12:56 am 5 comments

Everything fades away. I’ve spent the last hour engaging in the hours-worth of cyberstalking that I’ve been putting off for months. I miss her, but I just can’t be bothered to give much of a fuck anymore. Her blog has been deleted and she seems to be slowly disappearing from the online world. I don’t want her back. I don’t want her to see how much of a fuck-up I am.

My own online existence has gone cold. Search for me under my real name and you have to go back months to find anything from me. There’s a facebook profile I haven’t filled out. There are newsgroup posts from a while back. There’s even some awful poetry from when I was young and stupid and thought that writing poetry made me cool and byronic. I’m archived in Google’s databases, but I’m not that person any more.

Experimental Chimp isn’t me, either, come to that. Experimental Chimp is who I am so that I don’t have to be me. So that I talk about being fucked up without worrying about people I know finding me and pitying me. So that she doesn’t find me as see how fucked-up I am. So that I can talk about wanting to kill myself without my friends and family finding that out and panicking.

Frankly, I wish I wasn’t either. It’s been shit being me. It’s been quite shit being me tonight, hence the cyberstalking of my ex. It wasn’t the greatest relationship, but at least I didn’t feel quite as pathetic and lonely as I do these days. In my therapy sessions we’ve been talking about how I don’t trust people, how I expect everyone to hurt me, how I turn off my feelings. It’s not just that I haven’t felt affection or love in a long time, it’s that I’m not capable of feeling affection or love. It’s safer here where there aren’t many feelings.

Tonight I can’t eat and the only drink I can have is water. The sleep thing has fucked me over again. Because most blood-tests will be measuring fasting levels of various things, the NHS generally only takes blood in the morning. Which would be fine if I was sleeping at anything like normal times. Unfortunately, I woke up at 5pm today, so I’m having to stay awake and not eat anything for the next ten hours or so.

Which isn’t much fun, really. But not much else is anyway, so why worry.


Entry filed under: Uncategorized.

Food, Blood, etc. Birthday

5 Comments Add your own

  • 1. adifferentvoice  |  February 11, 2008 at 1:17 pm

    “In my therapy sessions we’ve been talking about how I don’t trust people, how I expect everyone to hurt me, how I turn off my feelings.”

    Nobody said it was going to be easy, but you can deservedly take pride in the fact that you are doing it. The feelings above don’t come from nowhere, and I hope you’ll be able to trust your therapist enough to find your way through them. Women are luckier than men, in this way at least, that they are allowed to spill all their stuff out in public to their intimate friends. Most women would not know how to survive without that support system, and yet men are expected to manage alone. Why is that?

    I wondered if you might like to have a look at this book (on Google Books), even the introduction starts you thinking…


    The chapters dealing with friendship and with power are very good, and I haven’t come across anything else so accessible. Just a thought.

  • 2. adifferentvoice  |  February 11, 2008 at 1:19 pm

    Oh, and cyberstalking is (up to a point) normal. Everyone does it. It’s a normal part of grieving.

  • 3. patientanonymous  |  February 11, 2008 at 10:27 pm

    I’m sorry you feel like shit. I do too–and I really am wishing I wasn’t me as well right now! I just want to vanish into the ether or shoot “PA” (and actually who she REALLY is) into oblivion.

    Because…well, PA unfortunately is PA.

    I can see where adifferentvoice is coming from. Whether it’s “cyberstalking,” or real life “stalking,” or even just thinking a lot or whatever about the person…trying to get over them. It IS part of the grieving process. Relationships are hard. They fucking suck a lot of the time. At least they have for me!

    I’m not sure what you may mean about chimp not being you. It’s a pseudonym for your blog and a way to express yourself. Just like I was saying that PA=PA. I don’t want to piss you off by trying to argue with what you have posted, however.

    I guess what I am trying to say is that even though we hate what our fucking illnesses do to us and how our lives become such cesspools (like right now?) our blogs can be valid outlets. Even though mine is certainly sucking at the moment.

  • 4. experimental chimp  |  February 12, 2008 at 5:20 am

    adifferentvoice: Thanks. I know it’s normal. It’d just be nice if I was past that now that a year and a half has gone by…

    PA: Thanks. Relationships are definitely hard. Right now they’re pretty much impossible for me, which isn’t great.

    Chimp is slightly more than a nom de plume. On occasion I’ve slipped and used the psudonyms I’ve made up to refer to my friends in real life. It’s not quite a persona, but it’s not exactly me either. You know, I’m not even sure what I mean.

  • 5. patientanonymous  |  February 12, 2008 at 7:40 pm

    Hey, relationships are a NO GO for me right now. I am with you. Even if it doesn’t feel “great” just try and go with it. It may be hard, but sometimes you just have to work on yourself. That is what I have accepted for me. A lot of people tell me, “Oh, you don’t know what is around the next corner…” in the relationship department, but I am completely…BAH!

    At this point, I do not care. I really do not feel like I am in any way capable even if others see me as so. Again, I do not care.

    It’s okay about not being sure what you mean…hell, you read my blog! There have been lots of times where I’ve just been bbbbbbbbbb. You don’t have to explain, or be clear. Rambling is completely acceptable as far as I am concerned!

    I have only made up one pseudonym I guess, and that is Mac Guru. I even told him about it, but he doesn’t even bother to read my blog! Oh, and Escher. I’ve never told him about that name, however. He knows I have a blog, and asked if he could read it, but he is a total luddite.

    I told him, “Hell no! It’s anonymous, and it stays that way!” I’ve bitched about him, and he doesn’t need to see that…or a lot of other things that I’ve written. He doesn’t have a computer, but could get one as he has an amazing techie friend. His friend could probably hack my damn blog!

    Everyone else just gets an initial.

    You’re doing, and will be fine, ‘hon. Hang in.

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Hi, I'm James. I'm a 26 year old guy from England with bipolar disorder (currently well controlled). I also have a circadian rhythm sleep disorder (not so well controlled). This blog has charted my journey from mental illness, through diagnosis and, recently, into recovery. It's not always easy, but then, what is?


Self-righteous note about smoking

As of 12th September 2008 it has been forty five weeks since I quit smoking. So in another seven weeks it'll have been a whole year.

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