Monday Evening

March 4, 2008 at 1:44 am 1 comment

A Monday evening plagued by self-doubt and contemplating the loneliness of years. Condense my good memories into one block and you end up with maybe a month’s worth. My default emotions is numbness and confusion. Background fear; one long drawn out panic attack lasting years. Crazy and fucked up, doing my best to keep people away. Scarred, ’cause that’s obviously attractive and doesn’t make me look at all like a crazy person.

I’m sure that scarred arms aren’t much of a disadvantage if you have the right kind of charm. But I don’t. I always thought that by the time I was grown up I’d have all this stuff figured out, but I haven’t even started. I’ve never done anything more than cope enough to function, keep myself off the streets, keep myself fed. And I haven’t even done that very well. Fuck, is life really meant to be this affectionless husk? Cold and bereft of feeling.

This, by the way, falls into the pattern of “feeling that I can’t change things, that there is no point in trying”. And somewhere in the next 9 or 13 weeks I’m supposed to start recognising when I’m doing this (hey, I’m recognising it already), and choose different patterns where appropriate. Fuck. Who knew that therapy actually involved changing stuff? On Wednesday we’ll be making diagrams of my problems.

I don’t know if I want to try to fix this fucked up mind of mine. Maybe sometimes things are so broken you just have to throw them away.

I don’t want to be alone forever. I don’t think that’s a life I want to lead. But even if we fix all that we can in 13 weeks, I can’t imagine becoming fixed enough to be anything but a tragic joke, scarred and scared of life.

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Seroquel and my really screwed-up sleep patterns Therapy today

1 Comment Add your own

  • 1. Rob N.  |  March 4, 2008 at 8:19 pm

    “I don’t want to be alone forever. I don’t think that’s a life I want to lead. But even if we fix all that we can in 13 weeks, I can’t imagine becoming fixed enough to be anything but a tragic joke, scarred and scared of life.”

    Welcome to the club.

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Hi, I'm James. I'm a 26 year old guy from England with bipolar disorder (currently well controlled). I also have a circadian rhythm sleep disorder (not so well controlled). This blog has charted my journey from mental illness, through diagnosis and, recently, into recovery. It's not always easy, but then, what is?

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Self-righteous note about smoking

As of 12th September 2008 it has been forty five weeks since I quit smoking. So in another seven weeks it'll have been a whole year.

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