Therapy today

March 5, 2008 at 4:30 pm 2 comments

Therapy today was interesting. We spent the majority of the session drawing a dinky little graph of what my parents were like and how they made me feed, and made a start on some of the cycles of problems this caused. The bit with my father was easy because the emotions there aren’t terribly complicated. The bit with my mother was much more troublesome, partly because I haven’t thought much about it and partly because I like my mother and critiquing her parenting is kind of awkward.

Still, my therapist is good at this stuff. Given that she’s the first therapist I’ve ever had (with the exception of the useless counsellor I saw a couple of times when I was 18), I’m lucky that the therapeutic relationship seems to be working so well. She seems to mostly ask the right questions and mostly make the right suggestions, which is pretty much all I could ask for. Having said this, expect me to take it all back once I actually have to start changing stuff. I get the feeling it’s not going to be hugely easy.

I guess she’s the only person who really understands just how much things must have sucked for me to go looking for help. We’ve talked about how one of my problems is that I cope with things alone and keep my problems to myself. Breaking that particular pattern was a last ditch effort. Hell, if you start reading this blog from the start, I was having to constantly talk myself out of suicide. (I recently changed my “Sucidal?” page to reflect my slightly different perspective now.)

I’m in such a stronger place now than I was back then. Things are still tough, but today, after I got back from therapy, I made myself enough salad to last the week and had a quick tidy up of my flat. There was no way I could have begun to look after myself that well back then, and being able to now (even when I feel like shit) is a good thing indeed.

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Monday Evening More self-harm annoyances

2 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Margaret  |  March 5, 2008 at 10:48 pm

    I’m seriously impressed. Could leave it there but this resonated ” Breaking that particular pattern was a last ditch effort”. Most people I know leave seeking help until the very, very last ditch, and mostly that trips them up in their mid 40s. You’re about fifteen years ahead of the game and should be very proud of that. A big, big virtual pat on the back. You should be proud, too, of being brave enough to look at all this stuff, most people don’t – not in a lifetime. Sounds as if you have a good counsellor/therapist.

  • 2. experimental chimp  |  March 5, 2008 at 11:05 pm

    I think the sleep problems pushed me towards help more than anything. There’s nothing like a full year of sleep-deprivation to really make you snap…

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Hi, I'm James. I'm a 26 year old guy from England with bipolar disorder (currently well controlled). I also have a circadian rhythm sleep disorder (not so well controlled). This blog has charted my journey from mental illness, through diagnosis and, recently, into recovery. It's not always easy, but then, what is?

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Self-righteous note about smoking

As of 12th September 2008 it has been forty five weeks since I quit smoking. So in another seven weeks it'll have been a whole year.

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