Yesterday Night

March 18, 2008 at 1:34 pm 9 comments

OK, so last night I went out with Rob and Julie. I drank, though not enough to get me seriously drunk. I’m not going to try to blame the cutting on being drunk anyway. I’d promised myself that I wouldn’t drink after my last alcoholic binge at the beginning of January. And I haven’t until now. But it turns out that not drinking is easy when you’re not around anyone who is.

It’s not the drink that made me cut. It’s going out and being around people that does it. I end up spiralling into this vortex of self-loathing. Because I’m horribly lonely a lot of the time, when I’m surrounded by people, it’s pretty much impossible not to think about getting together with someone. But I completely lack the requisite social skills to talk to anyone. And even if I did end up going home with someone, I don’t think I could cope with having to show a stranger my scars. Which makes me realise the extent to which my loneliness is self-inflicted. Which makes me feel worthless. Which makes approaching anyone even more difficult.

By the end of the night, after four hours in a club surrounded by people, I’m pretty much an emotional wreck. Which is why, when I got in, I ended up cutting. None of the cuts seem very deep, but they pretty much cover my whole arm. It was an “I fucking hate you” kind of thing.

The crying was weird. I don’t cry, except when watching films alone. But last night I started crying and I couldn’t stop.

But I’m feeling better now.

And yeah, I should probably talk to my therapist about this, along with everything else that’s screwing with my head right now.

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Tonight Therapy yesterday

9 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Gabriel...  |  March 19, 2008 at 6:11 am

    “And yeah, I should probably talk to my therapist about this, along with everything else that’s screwing with my head right now.”

    ahem, uhm… yeah, well, durh. You have to avoid situations which you know are triggers. Drinking and clubbing, for you, are two of those triggers… look, dude, if listening to sad music makes you sad and you don’t want to be sad then you turn off the sad music for a few weeks and see if you’re still sad.

    You’re in the nascent stages of your recovery, you only have a few weeks on the pills and in Treatment… this will be a confusing time. One of the things I found with getting the disease under control was it allowed me to start reacting properly, with the proper emotions to the experience. But it also allowed me to react to the stuff the Disease had hidden from me. So there’s a really, really good chance you’ll be breaking out in tears at weird times without an immediate cause, but it’s actually a healthy response to something which might have occurred last year.

    I feel like crying about once a day… I nearly blew a gasket earlier today singing along to Big Country’s Fields Of Fire — from their awesome debut, The Crossing.

    If it helps you should know the NHL playoffs start in a few days…

  • 2. Rose  |  March 19, 2008 at 6:15 am

    Hi.

    You don’t know me, and this is kind of pushy for a stranger but: Seroquel is a really powerful drug that can have all kinds of weird effects when people first start out on it. I’m thinking specifically of the crying, though it could be driving other mood shifts.

    The good news is, if you stay on it, the weirdness usually levels out. The bad news is, if you stay on it, it can make you fat or diabetic or completely uninterested in sex (or none of those things, of course), and if you come to rely on it to get to sleep, it’s VERY hard to go off of it. I’ve been on it for a decade, and can no longer sleep without at least a couple of hundred milligrams.

    Also: there are women who won’t be repulsed by your scars or your difficulties, but you’ll probably find they have scars of their own. As you said in another entry, it’s not uncommon to cut.

    Best wishes,

    Rose

  • 3. experimental chimp  |  March 19, 2008 at 12:38 pm

    Gabriel: My mp3 player is filled with rockin’ tunes at the moment, which seems to help me recover from therapy on the bus back home. And I discussed my current problems with my therapist today, which was good.

    Rose: I’ve been following your blog for a while, so you’re not a complete stranger. Thanks for commenting. The Seroquel probably does have something to do with it – since I’m not experiencing the complete lack of motivation that I was before, the threshold for doing dumb self-destructive stuff is lower than it was. Combined with therapy, this is getting difficult. The Seroquel doesn’t actually seem to make me sleep by itself (although it does make me feel exhausted), which is also weird.

  • 4. Gabriel...  |  March 20, 2008 at 12:30 pm

    Discussing is great step Dude. Have you listened to M.I.A. at all? I downloaded her Kala album last week and can’t stop listening to it… but if you want a real treat, find “And Out Come the Wolves” from Rancid. Even better is k-os, he’s a Canadian hip hop/rap artist. His Atlantis: Hymns for Disco is a classic. If you use bit Torrent to download stuff you can find all three there.

    I can stay awake, barely, on the Seroquel… I think instead of knocking us all the way out it just sort of facilitates sleep. It’ll get you in the mood, but you have to take the steps to make it happen.

  • 5. Golden Touch  |  March 21, 2008 at 5:30 pm

    Hi, I’ve just discovered your blog today, and am just beginning to have a read through your posts. Just thought I would say that, for what its worth, the part about being alone, thinking about getting with someone..then realising you wouldn’t want to show them your scars..and everything else in that parahraph, I really understand exactly what you mean. X

  • 6. experimental chimp  |  March 27, 2008 at 11:08 pm

    Gabriel: I’ll add them to my queue of things to listen to.

    Golden touch: Thanks for reading.

  • 7. Marie Taylor  |  April 13, 2008 at 11:29 pm

    my support worker says that alcohol make me cut – but the feelungs are there always – the alcohol just makes me less in control of what i do

  • 8. safteypin  |  April 27, 2008 at 2:36 am

    I’m sorry if I sound a bit like I’m prying (especially since I don’t know you), but if you don’t mind me asking, what do you use? To cut, I mean.

  • 9. experimental chimp  |  April 27, 2008 at 6:36 am

    safetypin: I use a razor blade. Usually a proper double-edged razor blade, because if I want to cut and don’t have any of these available, I’ll end up dismantling any razors I have around to get at the blades. This tends to take a minute or two, since I have quite a lot of practice, but these narrow blades can be difficult to control, so in a way it’s better to have the proper ones.

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Hi, I'm James. I'm a 26 year old guy from England with bipolar disorder (currently well controlled). I also have a circadian rhythm sleep disorder (not so well controlled). This blog has charted my journey from mental illness, through diagnosis and, recently, into recovery. It's not always easy, but then, what is?

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Self-righteous note about smoking

As of 12th September 2008 it has been forty five weeks since I quit smoking. So in another seven weeks it'll have been a whole year.

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